Two weekends ago (yes...I've been meaning to write this for awhile...but have been busy with work...ugh)...I spent the weekend in Stowe for the Weekend of Hope. I was very excited about going, as I volunteered on a 'welcoming' committee on Friday and our support group was given a house to stay at for the weekend. Plus, there was an article about me in our local paper promoting the weekend (I purposely kept this a secret...as I wasn't sure how it would turn out! And.. I wasn't thrilled with it...as I felt like I sounded like an idiot. Oh.. and the picture was just terrible! Anyway...you Hopkins people will see it, as they are going reprint the article in the next JH Nursing magazine...but... I will be sending them another picture!!!) ANYWAY....the weekend was filled with both great and not so great memories.
Unfortunately, its the not so great memories that seem to have really stuck with me over the past couple of weeks....so I'm going to get them out of the way by sharing them first. I went to a dessert talk about colon cancer on Friday evening. I had spent a really great day meeting new people and feeding off the positive energy surrounding the weekend. Then....the talk started out something like this...."Pharmaceutical companies are just so great! yada yada....They are the ones who sponsor all of the research for new drugs...yada yada...its not the government....its the pharm companies...oh...and here's my rep in the back...she'll give you some free books...but, really, she and I are responsible for creating new colon cancer drugs :) because if you would have had stage IV colon cancer three years ago, we would have given you only about 6 weeks to live...now we give you 28 + months!!" Hooray for you, lady! Way to spread the HOPE....all we hear is 'you're gonna die'....Know Your Audience! She then went on to bombard us with statistics. Now, statistics are something that I've stayed clear of throughout this whole ordeal. I started looking up stage III colon cancer one time last summer, and caught a glimpse of some statistics, and immediately shut my computer and haven't looked back. However....there it was, on the large powerpoint screen for what seemed like an hour at least....my chance of 'surviving' the next 4 years. Again, maybe this was meant to be hopeful in someway...however, all I saw was my chance at not surviving the next 4 years. There is a 33% (yup that's 1/3) chance that this stupid disease will come back and kill me...and this is scary. In other words, the survival statistic is around 66%. Granted 66% may not seem like a scary number. It's better than half, but would you play those odds in Vegas with your life on the line? So...I've spent the last couple of weeks processing this. I find myself getting angry at people who are getting upset with some of the normal frustrations of life. (For example...dating...I know a lot of people who are frustrated and complain about the fact that they haven't found 'the one'. However, even though I know I should be more compassionate, this is a complaint that I have a difficult time listening to because my mind immediately jumps to "oh yeah...imagine trying to find 'the one' by disclosing the fact that you may not be here in 4 years".) I've found my mind going in this direction a lot more frequently in the past couple of weeks...and getting angry with people who don't know how good they've got it. But...then I go to work...and work with patients and families who ARE actually dying...and I think 'shame on me'. I'm still here...and currently healthy...so I need to enjoy what I've got!
So...those 2-3 hours of the weekend were really the low point of an otherwise great weekend. I met a new friend (another young woman with stage III colon ca) and we had dinner and could have talked for hours...as our stories and outlook are very similar. I also had a good time with the members of my support group...as we made a big dinner on Sat. night and invited others over to join us. Overall, there was a great vibe to the weekend, and it was nice to be with so many others who can relate and spread/share wisdom and hope. I look forward to next year...and now know that I will only go to the seminars that are inspirational and make me feel good...as I think it is a much more productive way to spend my time!
1 comment:
Complaints with thanks...! I wrote about the same thing tonight! That "shame on me" feeling interrupting that "woe is me" feeling.
I think we're allowed. I wish I'd stop looking at statistics. The other day I read that "many stage III patients do really well" (but it sounded more hopeful than that; it was in the context of "this cancer is curable") and I felt a little wave of relief wash over me. And the mother of a 6th grade girl I met at work today said, "You'll do great. I have a good feeling about it." Sometimes comments like that are refreshing. She really meant it and I walked away from her with a little spring in my step!
Nice recap of that god-awful talk. Did you see our youtube interview? I thought it was pretty good!
I'm back at work pretty full time. I'm uneasy about it, but being with the kids is really healing! But I'm tired. And back to not eating well, and no exercise. It's so hard to balance everything.
I guess we have to believe we're each going to be one of the lucky ones. Even though the odds are so scary, and it's all so out of our control. But I believe it about you -- and maybe you can believe it about me! We can borrow each other's faith.
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