It's wierd...I feel almost healed...however cancer is still very much a part of me. I continue to have symptoms every now and then (bowel issues, and stomach pains/cramping) and it freaks me out...as I am unable to differentiate cancer from crohns since they happened simultaneously for me. I saw another doctor last week...who kind of eased my mind...and helped me understand a follow up plan (CT scans every 6 mo, doctor every 3 mo, colonoscopy every year). I was grateful for this because I was feeling sort of lost. Its just wierd that I spent 8 months of my life on a very regimented, protocol-based plan. I was at the doctors every other week, and depending on my counts, symptoms, etc. there was a particular plan in place. After my last treatment...there just seemed to be no plan/protocol to follow. I walked out of the clinic and just returned to a regular life....or I guess that's what is supposed to happen...but is mentally not possible. I suppose this is why most people join support groups or find a therapist after treatment...because you're just left hanging after a pretty traumatic experience. Anyway...I feel that, for the most part, I'm doing well. I do get in a funk every couple of weeks. It lasts about a day...I feel sorry for myself and get scared about the future...then I get some sleep and regroup...and get back to life.
I went to see Bernie Seigel last weekend. This was a great experience. He is a surgeon from Yale who had written many books about attitude and healing. I really enjoyed the talk because I am in a place where I want to believe that I can control my future. However, I tried reading one of his books while going through chemo, and it really upset me. I didn't want to believe (and still don't believe) that attitude is everything and can cure all. I also don't believe its what causes cancer or disease. I was speaking with my friend whose breast cancer has metastisized everywhere and has a very poor prognosis, and she didn't like the talk because it made her feel guilty for not being able to cure herself. I, too, would have been upset if I were her. However, I thought the talk was great and very inspiring...and reminded me that I can control my attitude.
I am also on a welcoming committee for The Weekend of Hope in Stowe in May. This is a weekend where survivors from all over the eastern states come for educational seminars, and as a bonding experience to be with other survivors. One of the things we decided to do this year was give survivors glass 'hope' stones when they check in as a memento of the weekend. There's a therapeutic activity that I was reading about where the night before a difficult procedure, or hospital stay, etc. the survivor is supposed to get together with friends/loved ones for dinner. After dinner, the stone is passed around to each person and they tell of a time when they faced a challenge and a certain attribute that helped them succeed (for example courage). The finish their story by saying "I put courage into this rock for you". The survivor then takes the rock with them and had it when they are feeling low/scared/lonely/etc. (I actually used to do this with some of the kids I worked with too...so it can be used in other contexts) Anyway, I volunteered to make the stones. So I had friend over for dinner, and before I could even serve it, they had completed the 600 stones! Here's a sample...
Okay...I'm talked out! Not sure that anyone reads this anymore...but oh well...its still therapeutic to me!Cruise 10 days and counting!
Adios!
Adios!
