It's currently 4:15 am, and I've been awake for 45 minutes now! I'm actually okay with it, as my mind and my body feel pretty good at the moment. This no sleeping thing is a turn I usually take after 5 or 6 days, and I see it as my body saying..."okay you've been sleeping enough...time to wake up and get back to life". Usually, though, this happens right as I'm starting to go back to work..so it pisses me off...as I just watch the minutes until my alarm goes off at 5:10 getting more and more anxious about staying awake and alert through the day! Anyway...I don't have to work until Tuesday...so I'm feeling pretty good right now!
Yesterday was a pretty okay day. I woke up feeling great and excited, as I had plans and things on the agenda that I wanted to do, and I felt good! So, after being awake for an hour or two, I took a shower to get ready to go to a craft show. Unfortunately, the shower wore me out! I was completely out of breath and just exhausted! (I think this had to do partially with my anemia...don't worry, I'll get a shot soon for that too) Of course this pissed me off...and I was tired and crabby for the morning...then had to skip my afternoon plans to lay on the couch. However, I did watch the travel chanel for 4 straight hours...so if anyone has plans to go to the beach in Florida, Mexico, the Carribean...or perhaps buy a private island...I'm the girl you need to talk to! I then went to a friend's house for the evening to watch Crazy, Sexy Cancer, which she had Tivo'd for me. It was inspirational...and it felt good to be out of the house...so the day ended well!
That's really all I have right now...just thought I'd share to pass the time...
Hope you enjoy your Sunday!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
7th...done
Hi all! I don't have much to say this time, and unfortunately still no pictures to add. But..I thought that I'd let you know that my 7th treatment is done and out of the way. This one has been pretty smooth...just lots and lots of sleeping! Yesterday I went for a ride with my dad and dog to the resevoir...and fell asleep before we even got there...then proceeded to sleep in the car while they walked and swam! For those of you who know me well...you know that I would much rather sleep outside...(fresh air..particularly when I'm nauseated)...so I had brought the appropriate equipment to do so (blankets, pillows, etc) However, I couldn't even make it out of the darn car! I've pretty much been sleeping since...but I'm starting to come around!
The nausea this time has been okay. I trying really hard not to think about it and deep breathing when I do....it actually seems to be working! The only time it didn't work was getting my pump off yesterday...the smells in the clinic just push me over the edge! I pretty much ran out of there and had my dad pick me up at the front entrance where there was fresh air (as opposed to that stinky parking garage air)...but I made it! (Tuesday wasn't so successful...as I threw up while getting treatment...caught a taste of the 5-fu push...I can really taste everything through my port...its so gross)
Okay...changing the subject....I went to a young survivors support group on Wed evening...and I actually enjoyed myself. Again, I was hesitant to go...but the people were very cool and welcoming. There were only 5 of us there, all with different types of cancer...and 3 were in remission! It was really great to talk with people who have had similar experiences...very refreshing! Its funny, I've always thought that I would be the person who would sit back and listen in that type of environment, but I couldn't stop talking! Almost everything that people brought up, I could relate to, and wanted to share! So...I'll definitely go back!
Final new thing...these peripheral neuropathies are getting to me. Basically my fingers feel like they're on pins and needles, and I sometimes have trouble bending them at the joints. I haven't figured out what triggers them yet (might be cold?)...but I'm on the case. Next treatment, they will give me some calcium and magnesium IV which will hopefully help! As...who wants a nurse who is dropping crap because she can't feel her fingers?!
That's all for now! Please let me know if you have any questions or topics for me to write about...as I'm running out of ideas..and am very open to suggestions!
Take care!
The nausea this time has been okay. I trying really hard not to think about it and deep breathing when I do....it actually seems to be working! The only time it didn't work was getting my pump off yesterday...the smells in the clinic just push me over the edge! I pretty much ran out of there and had my dad pick me up at the front entrance where there was fresh air (as opposed to that stinky parking garage air)...but I made it! (Tuesday wasn't so successful...as I threw up while getting treatment...caught a taste of the 5-fu push...I can really taste everything through my port...its so gross)
Okay...changing the subject....I went to a young survivors support group on Wed evening...and I actually enjoyed myself. Again, I was hesitant to go...but the people were very cool and welcoming. There were only 5 of us there, all with different types of cancer...and 3 were in remission! It was really great to talk with people who have had similar experiences...very refreshing! Its funny, I've always thought that I would be the person who would sit back and listen in that type of environment, but I couldn't stop talking! Almost everything that people brought up, I could relate to, and wanted to share! So...I'll definitely go back!
Final new thing...these peripheral neuropathies are getting to me. Basically my fingers feel like they're on pins and needles, and I sometimes have trouble bending them at the joints. I haven't figured out what triggers them yet (might be cold?)...but I'm on the case. Next treatment, they will give me some calcium and magnesium IV which will hopefully help! As...who wants a nurse who is dropping crap because she can't feel her fingers?!
That's all for now! Please let me know if you have any questions or topics for me to write about...as I'm running out of ideas..and am very open to suggestions!
Take care!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Better...
So...it turns out I wasn't playing hooky...I really was sick! I had some seriously gross GI issues this week (lets just say I had to run to the bathroom a lot and quickly decide whether to sit or kneel...hehe..so gross! Sorry...I'm feeling crude!) and had to leave work early on Tues and call in sick again on Wednesday. However, since Wednesday night (after my Big Mac...why is it that you always crave grease after you're sick?) I've been on the mend! I've spoken with doctors, and its hard to determine whether this was from the chemo, the crohns, or just a bug? I'm going to go with bug (because I'm in denial about crohns, and I don't want this to happen again with chemo!) Anyway...I feel much better now...
Its nice to be back!
I also met with a psychologist today. I have to say, I'm sorry that I put it off so long! All the books say to find someone right away...but I guess I didn't think that I needed it. I was wrong! She was great, and also a cancer survivor, and I just really valued her perspective and opinion. We spent some time discussing techniques to use regarding my anticipatory nausea...and its funny, but it all seemed like common sense. Breathing techniques, relaxation, meditation, visualization, aromatherapy, monitoring my pulse and consciously bringing it down, etc. All things that are kind of pushed aside in modern medicine while searching for a pill to provide a quick fix. These are all things that I've tried in the moments that I don't feel good...but she reminded me that, like all things, you need to practice, practice, practice for it to work! Its also funny that I just needed someone to tell me to do it. Now that I've been told (by someone who has had success with these techniques in the past)... I'll do it! (hum....maybe she can analyze that next week?!)
So...that's all that's new on this front! I'm working 3 12-hour shifts in the next 3 days...so I will be in my own working world until I go back to chemo next Tuesday. Haven't really been there in 2 weeks, so it will be good to be back!
I hope everyone is able to enjoy their weekends! Take care!
ps...sorry no pics this time...camera hasn't been out!
Its nice to be back!
I also met with a psychologist today. I have to say, I'm sorry that I put it off so long! All the books say to find someone right away...but I guess I didn't think that I needed it. I was wrong! She was great, and also a cancer survivor, and I just really valued her perspective and opinion. We spent some time discussing techniques to use regarding my anticipatory nausea...and its funny, but it all seemed like common sense. Breathing techniques, relaxation, meditation, visualization, aromatherapy, monitoring my pulse and consciously bringing it down, etc. All things that are kind of pushed aside in modern medicine while searching for a pill to provide a quick fix. These are all things that I've tried in the moments that I don't feel good...but she reminded me that, like all things, you need to practice, practice, practice for it to work! Its also funny that I just needed someone to tell me to do it. Now that I've been told (by someone who has had success with these techniques in the past)... I'll do it! (hum....maybe she can analyze that next week?!)
So...that's all that's new on this front! I'm working 3 12-hour shifts in the next 3 days...so I will be in my own working world until I go back to chemo next Tuesday. Haven't really been there in 2 weeks, so it will be good to be back!
I hope everyone is able to enjoy their weekends! Take care!
ps...sorry no pics this time...camera hasn't been out!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sick Day...
I called in sick today. Though I had legit reasons (nausea, diarrhea, generalized fatigue, and zero sleep last night)... I probably could have worked through those. Rather, I really needed a 'me' day (or, I suppose, the current correct term is a 'mental health day').
This last treatment was a hard one, in many ways. I had expected to be happy and relieved to hit my 1/2 way point (I've always felt that the second half of things is easier and have had that 'its all downhill' mentality). However, I currently do not feel this way. In fact, I feel the complete opposite ('How am I going to make it through 6 more!')
I suppose this was also a difficult week because I let new feelings officially enter (warning: therapeutic purge about to happen!) For the first time, I felt sorry for myself and scared. These are emotions that I've let skirt around the sidelines for awhile, but once they entered, they became sort of all consuming. They made it easy for me to spend three full days curled in the fetal position in bed, with my sole focus being on how lousy I felt.
This brings me to the topic of attitude. There are some theorists that say that attitude has everything to do with a cancer prognosis. Part of me wants to say that's BS, theorized by someone who has never had to deal with the day to day struggles of cancer! From my experience in nursing, I've witnessed people with great attitudes who have passed away at terrible times in their lives. On the other hand, there is definitely a part of me who believes that attitude plays a part in the healing process. I mainly think this because attitude is the only thing that we (we being those who are sick) can control. When your own body is out of your control...you have to at least control your mind! And, trust me, this is a hard thing to do, especially when you don't feel good! So...I'm taking today for a little attitude adjustment. I'm going to get some fresh air (my instant feel better trigger) and get my life back in order! (this includes returning many phone calls!!! sorry!)
Okay...now that I've purged a little, maybe I'll be able to get some sleep tonight!
On a positive note...there were some high points to my weekend!
First, is my great friend Deanna. She brought me to get my pump off on Thursday, and had to wait with me two extra hours while I got extra fluids. She had the 'fun' task of trying to distract me for those hours so I wouldn't throw up...it was a success!
Second, I was able to spend a couple of hours on Saturday with one of my oldest friends, as she was 'home' for the weekend (though she acted more like a tourist!) She waited on me and dealt with my crankiness and feeling gross (thanks Kris!)
Third, it was a weekend of good quality family time, as my brother was home from Boston. We went to my other brother's last home soccer game (where I got an Essex Alumni pin because it was homecoming weekend....all you ex-hornets are jealous, I know!) and we went out to a great dinner!
Finally, I received the most beautiful, thoughtful gift in the mail that I must share it with you! My mom's cousin's wife made me the most gorgeous quilt....I'm in love with it! I'm having the internal struggle whether to bring it with me everywhere (like Linus), or keep it protected from dirt and possible stains by keeping it on my bed, away from dirty hands! Ahhh...the decisions! Thank you Karen!
This last treatment was a hard one, in many ways. I had expected to be happy and relieved to hit my 1/2 way point (I've always felt that the second half of things is easier and have had that 'its all downhill' mentality). However, I currently do not feel this way. In fact, I feel the complete opposite ('How am I going to make it through 6 more!')
I suppose this was also a difficult week because I let new feelings officially enter (warning: therapeutic purge about to happen!) For the first time, I felt sorry for myself and scared. These are emotions that I've let skirt around the sidelines for awhile, but once they entered, they became sort of all consuming. They made it easy for me to spend three full days curled in the fetal position in bed, with my sole focus being on how lousy I felt.
This brings me to the topic of attitude. There are some theorists that say that attitude has everything to do with a cancer prognosis. Part of me wants to say that's BS, theorized by someone who has never had to deal with the day to day struggles of cancer! From my experience in nursing, I've witnessed people with great attitudes who have passed away at terrible times in their lives. On the other hand, there is definitely a part of me who believes that attitude plays a part in the healing process. I mainly think this because attitude is the only thing that we (we being those who are sick) can control. When your own body is out of your control...you have to at least control your mind! And, trust me, this is a hard thing to do, especially when you don't feel good! So...I'm taking today for a little attitude adjustment. I'm going to get some fresh air (my instant feel better trigger) and get my life back in order! (this includes returning many phone calls!!! sorry!)
Okay...now that I've purged a little, maybe I'll be able to get some sleep tonight!
On a positive note...there were some high points to my weekend!
First, is my great friend Deanna. She brought me to get my pump off on Thursday, and had to wait with me two extra hours while I got extra fluids. She had the 'fun' task of trying to distract me for those hours so I wouldn't throw up...it was a success!
Second, I was able to spend a couple of hours on Saturday with one of my oldest friends, as she was 'home' for the weekend (though she acted more like a tourist!) She waited on me and dealt with my crankiness and feeling gross (thanks Kris!)
Third, it was a weekend of good quality family time, as my brother was home from Boston. We went to my other brother's last home soccer game (where I got an Essex Alumni pin because it was homecoming weekend....all you ex-hornets are jealous, I know!) and we went out to a great dinner!
Finally, I received the most beautiful, thoughtful gift in the mail that I must share it with you! My mom's cousin's wife made me the most gorgeous quilt....I'm in love with it! I'm having the internal struggle whether to bring it with me everywhere (like Linus), or keep it protected from dirt and possible stains by keeping it on my bed, away from dirty hands! Ahhh...the decisions! Thank you Karen!
my comfy view...
Isn't it pretty!
Isn't it pretty!Well, That's all I've got for now! I'm off to take a walk!
Take care everyone!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
29th Birthday...in the chair
Yesterday I turned 29! Unfortunately, I spent most of the day 'in the chair' at chemo. (no...not the massage chair) . I was, however, able to celebrate by going to breakfast with my mom and neighbor prior to treatment. And... the nurses surprised me with an American Flatbread! (I had been talking about how much I love them during the previous treatment). And... my friend surprised me with a visit which made the treatment go by a little faster! Those were the highs of my day!
Unfortunately, though, the side effects seemed to come into effect much quicker this time around. I've felt pretty lousy since I got home yesterday... so I've spent most of my time in bed or on the couch. I have watched some funny movies though! (Knocked Up was great!)
A new side effect I've noticed is the peripheral neuropathies (my fingers tingle intermittently when I try to use them...feels like pins and needles) I've also realized that the smell of the dressing tape over my port makes me nauseous...so I try not to smell it (its just so damn close to my nose! Arg!) I did speek with a psychologist yesterday who I am going to start meeting with to work on my anticipatory nausea. She spoke of starting some biofeedback and visualization therapy. I'll let you know how it goes!
Here's a pic of my massage and flatbread...yum!
I was able to enjoy and celebrate my birthday early, as I went to the best restaurant with a group of girlfriends on Sat. night! If you are ever near Vergennes, VT you must try the Black Sheep Bistro! I'm still craving the pumpkin curry bisque...and I don't even have an appetite right now! We celebrated the right way with good companty, food, dessert, and a champagne toast! Thanks friends! I had a great time!
Unfortunately, though, the side effects seemed to come into effect much quicker this time around. I've felt pretty lousy since I got home yesterday... so I've spent most of my time in bed or on the couch. I have watched some funny movies though! (Knocked Up was great!)
A new side effect I've noticed is the peripheral neuropathies (my fingers tingle intermittently when I try to use them...feels like pins and needles) I've also realized that the smell of the dressing tape over my port makes me nauseous...so I try not to smell it (its just so damn close to my nose! Arg!) I did speek with a psychologist yesterday who I am going to start meeting with to work on my anticipatory nausea. She spoke of starting some biofeedback and visualization therapy. I'll let you know how it goes!
Here's a pic of my massage and flatbread...yum!
I was able to enjoy and celebrate my birthday early, as I went to the best restaurant with a group of girlfriends on Sat. night! If you are ever near Vergennes, VT you must try the Black Sheep Bistro! I'm still craving the pumpkin curry bisque...and I don't even have an appetite right now! We celebrated the right way with good companty, food, dessert, and a champagne toast! Thanks friends! I had a great time!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Autumn in VT
Hi everyone!
Just wanted to share some pics of how I spent my day, as it was another beautiful fall day here! (it makes it very hard to get sleep...as I want to be out and about!)
I go back in for treatment on Tuesday...my 1/2 way point...yahoo! I'll write more then....
For now, enjoy the scenery!
A deer? made of corn at this little organic farm
Applefest!
Sam takes his mom for a boat ride....
The highlight of my day.... the apple cider donut that I was craving...thanks to Deanna's brother-in-law! Those donuts were hard to come by!
Just wanted to share some pics of how I spent my day, as it was another beautiful fall day here! (it makes it very hard to get sleep...as I want to be out and about!)
I go back in for treatment on Tuesday...my 1/2 way point...yahoo! I'll write more then....
For now, enjoy the scenery!
A deer? made of corn at this little organic farmApplefest!
Sam takes his mom for a boat ride.... The highlight of my day.... the apple cider donut that I was craving...thanks to Deanna's brother-in-law! Those donuts were hard to come by!Hope you all enjoyed your day as much as I did!
Monday, October 1, 2007
Highs and Lows
The past week has been full of highs and lows. After doing pretty well with my last treatment on Tuesday and Wednesday, I hit a low point on Thursday. I felt very sick when I went in to have my port de-accessed. I think I was overly tired and emotional, as whenever a nurse would look at me or try to be nice, I would start to cry. (don't feel bad...I've always been like this when I'm overly tired!) I also was VERY nauseous...the nurses shared a new term, 'anticipatory nausea' and gave me an ativan. This is a great drug used for anxiety, nausea, and sleep...so it was very useful to me! My blood pressure was also pretty low (which I guess can also make you more nauseated)...so I stayed for a bit while they gave me some fluids. The ativan kicked in, and I came home and pretty much slept for 16 hours straight!
Things improved after that.... I learned that my max time out and about is approximately 1-2 hours, and then I need a rest. So, I made the most of those 1-2 hours! I went on walks with friends, I went to part of a lecture on holistic health for cancer patients (learned that beta carotene inhibits the action of 5-FU...and that vitamin B-6 is good for peripheral neuropathy...too bad they're the size of golf balls so I won't go near them). I also was able to enjoy autumn in VT (my favorite season by far!) by going to a harvest market (really to eat the fried dough and other goodies), and going apple picking with some friends. So overall...I'd say it was a pretty good weekend! Here are some pics...
My friend Tracy enjoys the yummy fried treats at the harvest market...
Apple Pickin' Fun...
Oh...and I almost forgot! I found my new hero...Kris Carr.. She wrote this great book called Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips! I've spent many hours during this last week reading it as she is very gifted at expressing herself! I highly recommend it if you are at all interested in what its like to receive a cancer diagnosis at a fairly young age, and how to help people cope. She also has a documentary that was on TLC a few weeks ago...I missed it, but am hoping to see it soon! As you can see....I got cozy on the porch and spent many hours on Saturday reading and enjoying the crisp autumn air!
Take care everyone!
Take care everyone!
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