Part of the Story....

I've been quiet for awhile. I didn't have much to say. I started this blog about my experience with cancer at a young age...and I thought that story was over. However, there has been a small new chapter that occured during the past month. Let me explain....

It started the day after Thanksgiving when I was shopping (what else would I be doing on 'Black Friday'?) My stomach felt a little funny that morning, but nothing that was going to keep me from shopping! After an hour or so, I started to get severe abdominal cramps. I tried to ignore them for a short while until they wouldn't let me, as they almost brought me to my knees. After some debating, my mother and I made a trip to the emergency room. They quickly gave me relief with some IV pain medicine and abdominal xrays were obtained. The xrays didn't show anything definitive, and we opted not to do a CT scan due to my previous radiation exposure and the fact that my pain was relieved. The doc thought that I might be starting a bowel obstruction, and sent me home on a clear liquid diet for 24 hours, hoping that it would resolve itself. This is what I did...and thought I was doing better. My belly continued to hurt if I pressed on it, but besides that, I felt fine.....

Until the following Wednesday. I woke up at 5:15am with the cramping again. I took a shower to get ready for work, and decided that since I couldn't stand up straight, I needed to call out for the day. At 9am I was back in the ED. I spent the day there recieving pain medicine every 2-3 hours, and this time they decided to do a CT scan. After the second scan, it was determined that I had a partial small bowel obstruction. The ED doc gently told me that obstructions were common following abdominal surgery due to adhesions/scar tissue that naturally develops, and that this was the most likely explaination for my problems. He also told me that he could not promise that this wasn't a cancer recurrence. This freaked me out for a second...then another helping of pain medicine put me back into my mindless sleep. I was admitted to the hospital that night, and spent a sleepless night with a crazy roomate and screaming neighbors....buts thats another story! I stopped requiring pain medicine that night...and spent the next day with a migraine. When that started to resolve (after finally figuring out that they actually do have excedrin migraine in the pharmacy), I went home at 7pm with the same instructions to stick to a clear liquid/bland diet, and schedule an appointment with a surgeon as a consultation.

My life returned to normal, though I quickly learned that food didn't settle so well. I stuck to rice, cream of wheat, and yogurt....and really ate those rather infrequently because I was scared to hurt again. Again, I lasted another week.

The following Wednesday, after working 2 12-hour shifts and feeling fine, I started to get the cramps at around 10pm. I tried to ignore them and fell asleep. I woke up 30 minutes later with extreme cramps. I had a bowel movement (gross...but necessary to know...as if you have an obstruction you would think that you couldn't have any BMs...but you actually can with partial obstructions....). Then I started to throw up. I started to seriously wonder how I was going to get to the hospital because I couldn't get off the bathroom floor. Finally, I was able to move to my phone and call my roomate to bring me to the hospital. Luckily, he remembered a puke bucket for the ride! This was a short ED stay...and I was promptly admitted. I spent the next two days there...and continued to be nauseous and need continual nausea and pain medicine. I met with the surgeon while inpatient, and he explained that we would give it one more chance to fix itself (as this is what usually happens), but that if it didn't happen, surgery would be the only option. He reminded me that I could not live the way that I had been, and that nobody should determine that their day was a 'good day' by if they were able to eat or not.

I convinced the docs to send me home Friday morning, as I had to pick friends up at the airport at noon for a weekend of fun. This time, they sent me home with pain medicine...just in case. My friends came and I had a great weekend with them, despite the fact that I didn't really eat and was using my pain medicine a couple of times a day....but distraction is a great tool for me! However by Monday morning, I was really hurting (I had eaten a couple of bites of soup the night before). I brought my friends to the airport, and started doubling up on my pain medicine. I called the surgeon, and we scheduled an appointment for Wednesday, with the understanding that he would directly admit me to the hospital at any time before that if needed. I continued to take pain medicine frequently until we met.

The surgeon went over the scenerio again, stating that the small bowel obstruction was most likely due to adhesions from my previous surgery, however, he could not be sure that it wasn't due to cancer until he got in there to look around. He reassured me that there was no evidence of cancer on any of the scans, but wanted me to know that it was an option. He then told me that prior to scheduling surgery, they needed to take some labs to check on my electrolytes and nutrition status since I hadn't been eating. He gave me the option of being admitted again, or going home and continuing on pain medicine. I had labs drawn and high-tailed it home! He called me later that night to let me know that my electrolytes were fine, and though my nutrition status labs were low (pre-albumin), they were still going to put me on the surgery list as an 'add on' for Friday.

So I spent the next day trying to convince myself that I needed surgery. I was very scared that this was in my head, and that I had made it worse than it was because of anxiety that it could be cancer. I actually didn't feel deep down that it was cancer....but I still thought that this pain could be in my head. I was very nervous that they would open my up, and find nothing. Would it be worth the recovery of major abdominal surgery, if there was nothing? Luckily, my family would put things back into perspective again. ("Kelly, you've aren't able to stand straight up, and haven't been able to for days...you are in pain!")

Friday morning at 7am, I got a call telling me it was time. I was at the hospital shortly after and being prepped for surgery. Of course, as I was getting close to being ready, there was an emergency surgery, so I was postponed. That was okay with me, as the pain team came in to give me an epidural, which included a little versaid in my IV (medication used for conscious sedation). I was again loopy and happy (even as they attempted 3 times to place the epidural).

They wheeled me in a couple of hours later, and I was asleep before we even got into the OR room. Next thing I knew I was in post op and very sleepy. I really woke up on my way up to my room, when the bumps of the transport had me writhing in pain. The bumps hurt my belly, but I couldn't take a deep breath (or normal breath for that matter) because that really hurt too. And...to top that off I had a NG tube (tube down my nose into my stomach). This tube was the MOST uncomfortable. I couldn't swallow with it in because it hurt and made me feel like gagging. Which was difficult when I started to tear up because of the pain, as the post nasal drip from crying made me want to swallow. By the time I got to the floor I was miserable! I was hitting my pain button every second trying to convey the depth of my pain and rating my pain 10/10. The pain team was quickly called and gave me an epidural push of pain medicine. RELIEF! I then didn't move the rest of the night.

The next morning, I woke up and realized that I couldn't move my left leg. This was fine with me, as I wasn't in pain. I knew that it probably had to do with the placement of my epidural PCA (pain pump). I needed two people to help me stand-pivot to a chair. It was a very wierd sensation. That night they changed the concentration of numbing medicine and decreased my dose, and the next morning I could move again.

*Just a note here on the epidural pca vs and IV pca. The first surgery that I had I had an IV pca. This worked well for pain control, but I was out of it during my recovery. I know I had lots of visitors, and am slightly embarrassed now of my behavior...because I don't remember much and continued to fall asleep on people. This is because the IV medication is systemic, meaning it flows through my blood stream and works on my entire body. On the other hand, the epidural pca was wonderful (besides the whole leg thing). This is local...meaning that it only worked on my abdomen area. I was conscious and knew what was going on throughout my entire recovery. My only problem was that I got bored one day and wanted some IV medicine to put me to sleep and pass the slow moving hospital time. :)

So.....was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! I, in fact, did have a small bowel obstruction...it wasn't in my head! There was scar tissue that had wrapped itself around my small intestine, and was therefore strangling it. This made it difficult for anything to move through it. The surgeon snipped the scar tissue, then tested the intestine to make sure that it still worked! Since it did, nothing else needed to be done. However, I got an added bonus. First, he took my appendix out...so it won't cause me any problems in the future! But here's the great news.... He also inspected all of my abdominal organs (liver, lg and sm intesting, ovaries, uterus, etc) to make sure there were no signs of cancer.....and there weren't.

This is fabulous news!

On top of this, I was able to make it home early and be home for Christmas...and my recovery period has been smooth. I didn't really need pain medication after they took my epidural out, as the pain prior to my surgery was much worse than the post surgical pain. I continue to 'recover', as I don't go back to work until the end of January per doctor's orders....but I feel great!

So....there is my long winded rendition of my past month. As I stated...this was just a part of the whole cancer story. On that note, however, I've decided that its the last chapter. I'm ready, both physically and emotionally, to leave cancer in the past. I was unsure that I'd ever be here, but now that I am...it feels great! I am healthy and happy, and plan to remain here. I know that this new found confidence may just be left over gratitude from getting an internal clean bill of health, and that the anxiety may return during scan times, but thats okay....and expected. It's the anxiety in between these times that I'm letting go of.

I'm done with being sick. Period.

So...thanks for reading....and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your continuing, unwavering support.

Much love and happiness to you......

3-0!

So far....I'm loving my thirties!
My 29th birthday was no fun....so my 30th birthday was enough fun for last year, and the next 10 years! The celebration lasted many days, and now I have to come back to reality. I thought it best to share my many happy memories with pictures. So here are a bunch of them!

It all started Wednesday night when I had my support group over for dinner and pumpkin carving...
Then on Thursday (my birthday) I spent the day with friends, my mom, and my dog. We had a spaghetti dinner at my new place and sat by the fire as the sun set!

My mom came over and helped cook dinner...here she is working while I'm enjoying my glass of wine....

thanks mom!

On Friday, my friends threw me a pedicure party at a local shoe shop/pedicure place.
I had to do some shopping too...

Does life get any better? Cupcakes, wine and pedicures!! All at once!

On Saturday, my mom and I went to Boston to visit my brothers and their girlfriends

Jeff got us Circ Du Soliel tickets!!! It was amazing!

Thank you Jeff!

Overall...it's been a week to remember!

Thank you everyone...I've had a blast!

A Room with a View

I'm in heaven....
This is the view from my new bedroom.... ahhhhh.....

I've finally moved out of my parents house...which, in a way, was more stressful than I expected.
I've been ready to go for many months now, and very antsy...but when the time came I was hesitant.
I couldn't figure out why...until a couple of weeks ago. I was on a panel of survivors at a cancer seminar. The speaker asked me,
"What particular challenges do you have now, being the youngest member on the panel?"
(or something like that)
And I realized that it's my fear to move forward, take risks and challenge myself again. When I was diagnosed, my world became very small. When your lifespan is unpredictable and seemingly in jeopardy, you realize very quickly what is important to you and surround yourself in it. I always have dreams and plans to travel and see the world (and still want to do this..), but when it came down to it...my priority was my family and my friends...the people that I love. I wanted to spend my time close to them....and created my safe little bubble.
However, this is the challenge of being a 'young survivor'. If I were older and more settled, I would have created my 'bubble' with a family that I created, and wouldn't have to push myself to get out there and take risks again. I am very grateful for my parents and really needed their care and support during my treatment and recovery. I could have easily continued to live with them, as they are the most important people in my life....but it was time to break free (again!) and challenge myself to move forward. It was a little scary leaving the 'safety zone' that I had created...but....
The view here is pretty nice...
:)

Perspective...

It's long (14 minutes), but worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ0TZ6cxMZM

Hope it adds a little perspective to your day...as it did to mine...

Yay!

I had a CT scan last week, and all is looking good! Huge relief! 6 more months of play!

I was actually nervous about this one. I had it scheduled for October, but switched it to August, as August was actually my 6 month mark. I also had them add a picture of my chest, as I wanted my lungs looked at as well. I had been having a funny feeling in my mid-back for a couple of months....and my anxious mind just wanted that lung checked out. Colon cancer usually metastisizes first to the liver, but also sometimes to the lung...so I thought better safe than sorry...lets just have them look everywhere.

Anyway...I must give a word of advice for anyone who needs to have an abdominal CT scan. They try to push this most disgusting, thick, barium drink ('banana smoothie') on you when you walk in. You have an hour or so to drink it before a picture can be taken. I did drink this the first time because I didn't think I had a choice. However....there is another option! They can make you a barium drink that is water and crystal light (lemonade or fruit punch), and the barium. The viscosity of this is much, much more palatable. It just takes them a little extra time to make, as it's not pre-packaged...so it's not offered. However, if you tell them that you'll throw up drinking the 'banana smoothie', they'll make you some lemonade. :)

Anyway, my lungs, heart, pancreas, colon and liver all looked good. In fact, they stated my liver looked to be improving. ?? My liver enzymes had been elevated, and I had a slight 'fatty liver' in my last scan...from all of the chemo being metabolized there (I assume)....but it's on its way back to normal! There's almost finally no physical/physiological sign of the wear and tear of the last year... (just neuropathy, and hair wisps...and I can deal with those!)

Hope you are enjoying these early days of fall!

Yay Bri....One more!!! I'm thinking about you all week!!

Update...

Hi all! This scene from Shelbure Farms made me laugh the other day. Some days this describes my job as a nurse... or the life of a person with bowel issues.....

sick humor...

The colon cancer 5k was great last weekend. We had perfect weather and they had a pretty good turnout for the 1st year. I've decided that next year, I need to be a bit more organized in advance and start a team. They had awards for the largest team/best team outfit, etc.... Definitely awards that we can win next year! Plus....I love a good cause...

Here's a picture of my team of supporters! Thanks guys...I was very happy that you were there!

I finally took a picture of my hair growing back! The chemotherapy for colon cancer only makes your hair thin out! This is mostly a great thing...and I was very happy for it...as people who didn't know me , didn't know I had cancer....they just thought I had terribly thin hair! However, there were times where it almost would have been easier to have the bald cancer head...then I wouldn't have had to explain myself and my lack of energy and overwhelming fatigue. Some people seemed to assume that since I didn't loose my hair, the chemo was easier or not as harsh. This was not true! Many of the patients that we get on my floor are there for side effects from these particular chemos...and.... all chemo sucks....period! :)

Here is my new underlayer of bangs.... Now...if it would just grow back thicker...that would be great! (not really happening...)

And finally...there was a write up about my 'Good Riddance' party in the CPSP newsletter....

Here's the link if you have any interest...

http://www.cpspvt.org/ezstatic/data/cpspvt/sp-sum-newsletter.pdf

Thats all for now! Time to get ready for work...

Hope everyone is well and enjoying the last days of summer (now that there's finally some sun!)

FYI

Better late than never...I suppose...here's an event set for tomorrow....

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/get-your-rear-in-gear-events/colchester-vt-august-2008/

hope to see you there...

Welcome Zoe

3 weeks ago... my friends had their first daughter. This was a very exciting night, as I was over at their house when it all began. We were spending the evening watching a movie, when all of the sudden Deanna exclaimed, "My water just broke!" She immediately ran upstairs to take a shower, while her husband and I ran to get the 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' bible. A few hours later Zoe was born (10lbs 10oz, 23 inches!)

Here's a picture soon after Deanna's water broke.... She looks awfully calm...
At the hospital...meeting Zoe for the first time...

Zoe at 3 weeks...

That's my excitement for now...I'll try to write more soon...

Stuck...

Hiya...
Things here have been busy. My brother recently graduated from high school! We had multiple family members here for over a week...which was a special treat! We kept busy visiting, playing board games, card games, and Wii games!
Work has also been busy too. However, with all the stuff that has been going on, I'm currently feeling very 'stuck'. This 'stuck' feeling has been a theme in my life for many years now. I seem to get bored with any sort of routine, and need some sort of challenge, adventure, or plan to get me going again. The problem is, I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go...

It's weird...this feeling has just returned, as I did not have the energy or strength to want to do much more than just 'be' and survive for the past year. Yes...that sounds sad...but the truth was, I was content. I've spent a lot of my 20's looking for my purpose, and becoming increasingly more frustrated when I didn't have a grand plan. However, I had a very distinct purpose during the past year, therefore, I was free to just live and enjoy the little moments. I wasn't weighed down with the internal pressure of figuring out my life and what makes me happy. Crazy how cancer can simultaneously take away one's peace of mind, yet in an entirely different way give it. Though I still never...ever...want to go through a year like that again...

So...should I be grateful now that I'm feeling stuck again? This means I've come full circle, right? I guess I was wishing that cancer would take away this feeling for good...but I'm learning it doesn't take away problems that previously existed...just puts them on the back burner for awhile...

So...anyone who needs a buddy for some brilliant adventure...please let me know...I'd be happy to apply! But for now, I'll go about my routine and search out the little moments that make me happy... and try to come up with a grand plan for my thirties... :)

*One little moment that continues to bring me smiles was receiving a gift from a family friend...a man I've only met a couple of times. He sent along this VT Teddy bear following my race...It was personalized with my race number and team name. Isn't he great!


So long for now...

The cancer club.

Last week, we did a mock photo shoot at my friend's house. I was contacted by someone at the JHU school of nursing about re-printing the article about my from my local paper. I wanted to send them another picture, as I hated the one in the paper. So my friend, Sara, offered to help. We played around with her new photo studio, and she dealt with all of my photo insecurities for a couple of hours. Here's a picture of her son helping us out! How cute! THANK YOU SARA...I really appreciate all you did, and your putting up with me!

And... I have to add this next picture because it makes me smile! These are the goofy sons of my two good friends...

That picture makes me smile after a particularly difficult week. I'm on my way to a funeral of a 24 year old patient who passed away this week. He wasn't supposed to die...he was too young. His dad and I had had a conversation the previous week, where we said how its 'no fun to be part of this club sometimes'. He repeated this statement as we hugged soon after his son died. I can't agree more...it really sucks. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Because I can...

And I know how quickly it can be taken away....

13.1 miles...

My Family...

My brother and his girlfriend came up from Boston to split the race too....

Relieved its over!....

I'm sure I tasted good....nice and salty...

Now it's time to nap.....
ps...A BIG THANK YOU to Chris for making my awesome shirt!!

What a difference a year makes....

One year ago today, I would never have expected to be in Vermont right now. I was packing my apartment and making big plans for California. Much can change in a year....or a day...

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary from my diagnosis. I plan on celebrating all weekend long... as I am here....and I am healthy.....

I started my 3 day weekend (much needed, by the way! Working full time is exhausting!) by going on a little hike with Molly. The weather wasn't great...but it was still beautiful. I'll end the weekend with the half marathon...ugh... But I plan to enjoy all moments in between to remind me how lucky I am!

Here are some pics from the hike....

A bit daunting... I thought winter was over....but we found snow!

Smile, Molly!

Happy Dog..

The sun came out for 30 seconds and lit up the path...

A view...

The pond (way down there) ...Molly had a great time swimming!

We rewarded ourselves for our hard work with treats on the way home!!

She's really wants that bone...

I found this picture from a hike last year. This was the day before I left for Baltimore to have my surgery....(wow...my first thought in looking at this is...'there's a tumor inside of me!') I was enjoying one of my last days of having energy for awhile....

I suppose I've come full circle... :)

Have a great Memorial Day weekend! I hope you get to spend it with family and/or loved ones!

Weekend of Hope

Two weekends ago (yes...I've been meaning to write this for awhile...but have been busy with work...ugh)...I spent the weekend in Stowe for the Weekend of Hope. I was very excited about going, as I volunteered on a 'welcoming' committee on Friday and our support group was given a house to stay at for the weekend. Plus, there was an article about me in our local paper promoting the weekend (I purposely kept this a secret...as I wasn't sure how it would turn out! And.. I wasn't thrilled with it...as I felt like I sounded like an idiot. Oh.. and the picture was just terrible! Anyway...you Hopkins people will see it, as they are going reprint the article in the next JH Nursing magazine...but... I will be sending them another picture!!!) ANYWAY....the weekend was filled with both great and not so great memories.

Unfortunately, its the not so great memories that seem to have really stuck with me over the past couple of weeks....so I'm going to get them out of the way by sharing them first. I went to a dessert talk about colon cancer on Friday evening. I had spent a really great day meeting new people and feeding off the positive energy surrounding the weekend. Then....the talk started out something like this...."Pharmaceutical companies are just so great! yada yada....They are the ones who sponsor all of the research for new drugs...yada yada...its not the government....its the pharm companies...oh...and here's my rep in the back...she'll give you some free books...but, really, she and I are responsible for creating new colon cancer drugs :) because if you would have had stage IV colon cancer three years ago, we would have given you only about 6 weeks to live...now we give you 28 + months!!" Hooray for you, lady! Way to spread the HOPE....all we hear is 'you're gonna die'....Know Your Audience! She then went on to bombard us with statistics. Now, statistics are something that I've stayed clear of throughout this whole ordeal. I started looking up stage III colon cancer one time last summer, and caught a glimpse of some statistics, and immediately shut my computer and haven't looked back. However....there it was, on the large powerpoint screen for what seemed like an hour at least....my chance of 'surviving' the next 4 years. Again, maybe this was meant to be hopeful in someway...however, all I saw was my chance at not surviving the next 4 years. There is a 33% (yup that's 1/3) chance that this stupid disease will come back and kill me...and this is scary. In other words, the survival statistic is around 66%. Granted 66% may not seem like a scary number. It's better than half, but would you play those odds in Vegas with your life on the line? So...I've spent the last couple of weeks processing this. I find myself getting angry at people who are getting upset with some of the normal frustrations of life. (For example...dating...I know a lot of people who are frustrated and complain about the fact that they haven't found 'the one'. However, even though I know I should be more compassionate, this is a complaint that I have a difficult time listening to because my mind immediately jumps to "oh yeah...imagine trying to find 'the one' by disclosing the fact that you may not be here in 4 years".) I've found my mind going in this direction a lot more frequently in the past couple of weeks...and getting angry with people who don't know how good they've got it. But...then I go to work...and work with patients and families who ARE actually dying...and I think 'shame on me'. I'm still here...and currently healthy...so I need to enjoy what I've got!

So...those 2-3 hours of the weekend were really the low point of an otherwise great weekend. I met a new friend (another young woman with stage III colon ca) and we had dinner and could have talked for hours...as our stories and outlook are very similar. I also had a good time with the members of my support group...as we made a big dinner on Sat. night and invited others over to join us. Overall, there was a great vibe to the weekend, and it was nice to be with so many others who can relate and spread/share wisdom and hope. I look forward to next year...and now know that I will only go to the seminars that are inspirational and make me feel good...as I think it is a much more productive way to spend my time!

Cruisin'

We FINALLY went on our cruise last week....and we had a blast! For those of you who know me well...I had been talking about this cruise constantly and had been packed since December, as I was so excited to go! The idea arose when my mother, Aunt Lynna and I were on our drive home from Baltimore following my surgery. We decided we needed something to look forward to. So plans started to take shape last fall and a 'girls only' family cruise was planned. My mother, grandmother, 3 aunts, and 2 cousins celebrated in style! Thanks gals for a wonderful week!
Here are some (okay...many) pics from the week....

Our first night was in Orlando where we went to downtown Disney for dinner at Bongos...we later walked around and found this photo op....

On Sunday, we went kayaking through the mangroves. We saw a dolphin and many birds and wildlife (even a raccoon sleeping in a tree!)
Another cheesy photo op at the beach...(we obviously don't know how to surf, as demonstrated by our technique).

We made it on the boat...and the pina coladas started to flow...

I finally got to wear my red shoes (bought them immediately following my NCLEX..aka nursing boards...when I thought I failed!)

The second night (we spent the day in bathing suits....so pictures are not included)...this is our formal night..

It started out innocent enough with free cocktails at the captain's welcome...

But...you know you've had too much to drink when....
In Naussau...goofing around...

We thought it appropriate to eat lunch here...

Atlantis....

The pirate was trying to steal my TWO desserts.....NO WAY!

Mother! What are you looking at?

Our professional photo op...

Our amateur photo op..

The last night the kitchen went out of their way to make each of us creme brule for our cancer free celebration...It was DELICIOUS!!! yum....I'm salivating just thinking about it... (thanks monica...)

Our last morning on the boat.....Too much fun for one week wore Katie out!

My mom, aunt and I stayed an extra day and just relaxed and spoiled ourselves with room service...

We've already started looking into next year....thats how much fun was had! Again thank you family...you gave me something to look forward to during many difficult moments and a week that I will always remember....Love you!