It's been awhile...

What can I say? I know it's been awhile...but time goes by much faster now that I'm not stuck in bed every other week! I continue to work part time (until May1st when I go back to full...ahhhh) and I spend my days off keeping busy taking long walks with Mollydog and exercising (still planning to run a half marathon in May...1 year and 1 day from my diagnosis!)....besides this, I don't know where the rest of my time goes!
It's wierd...I feel almost healed...however cancer is still very much a part of me. I continue to have symptoms every now and then (bowel issues, and stomach pains/cramping) and it freaks me out...as I am unable to differentiate cancer from crohns since they happened simultaneously for me. I saw another doctor last week...who kind of eased my mind...and helped me understand a follow up plan (CT scans every 6 mo, doctor every 3 mo, colonoscopy every year). I was grateful for this because I was feeling sort of lost. Its just wierd that I spent 8 months of my life on a very regimented, protocol-based plan. I was at the doctors every other week, and depending on my counts, symptoms, etc. there was a particular plan in place. After my last treatment...there just seemed to be no plan/protocol to follow. I walked out of the clinic and just returned to a regular life....or I guess that's what is supposed to happen...but is mentally not possible. I suppose this is why most people join support groups or find a therapist after treatment...because you're just left hanging after a pretty traumatic experience. Anyway...I feel that, for the most part, I'm doing well. I do get in a funk every couple of weeks. It lasts about a day...I feel sorry for myself and get scared about the future...then I get some sleep and regroup...and get back to life.

I went to see Bernie Seigel last weekend. This was a great experience. He is a surgeon from Yale who had written many books about attitude and healing. I really enjoyed the talk because I am in a place where I want to believe that I can control my future. However, I tried reading one of his books while going through chemo, and it really upset me. I didn't want to believe (and still don't believe) that attitude is everything and can cure all. I also don't believe its what causes cancer or disease. I was speaking with my friend whose breast cancer has metastisized everywhere and has a very poor prognosis, and she didn't like the talk because it made her feel guilty for not being able to cure herself. I, too, would have been upset if I were her. However, I thought the talk was great and very inspiring...and reminded me that I can control my attitude.

I am also on a welcoming committee for The Weekend of Hope in Stowe in May. This is a weekend where survivors from all over the eastern states come for educational seminars, and as a bonding experience to be with other survivors. One of the things we decided to do this year was give survivors glass 'hope' stones when they check in as a memento of the weekend. There's a therapeutic activity that I was reading about where the night before a difficult procedure, or hospital stay, etc. the survivor is supposed to get together with friends/loved ones for dinner. After dinner, the stone is passed around to each person and they tell of a time when they faced a challenge and a certain attribute that helped them succeed (for example courage). The finish their story by saying "I put courage into this rock for you". The survivor then takes the rock with them and had it when they are feeling low/scared/lonely/etc. (I actually used to do this with some of the kids I worked with too...so it can be used in other contexts) Anyway, I volunteered to make the stones. So I had friend over for dinner, and before I could even serve it, they had completed the 600 stones! Here's a sample...

Okay...I'm talked out! Not sure that anyone reads this anymore...but oh well...its still therapeutic to me!

Cruise 10 days and counting!
Adios!

more pics

So Tough!
Preparing to talk...

Friends...

My gals...

My Nurses! They're fun!

Sue...the dancing queen!

The dance floor!

If anyone else has any pictures...email them...as I'd love to see (and share) them!

Huge Success!!

I hope that everyone had as much fun as I had last night!

The party was a great success! It was really wonderful to see so many people from so many different aspects of my life come together to show their support...and their dancing skills! It meant the world to me...and was definitely a night that I will remember forever! Thank you!

We're still finishing tallying our final total. However, here's what we have so far...

$760 in t-shirt sales for SD Ireland Cancer Research!

Approximately $1800 from the silent auction for CPSP!

Approximately $1500 through direct donations to CPSP!

*If you would still like to make a donation, checks can be made payable to: Cancer Patient Support Program and sent directly to me in the mail over the next week.

Okay...now the fun part! Here are some preliminary pictures! There will be more to come...and a link to the Burlington Free Press when those pictures are posted... so continue to be on the lookout!

My Parents......


Tim and his girlfriend Nicole working hard! They were a huge part of what made the evening such a success...as they were the worker bees, collecting money and selling shirts! Thanks guys!

My UNH buddies!!

Another huge fear conquered! Public Speaking...ugh!

Mom on the dance floor....

Tim and I...

Melissa's floating head...
This picture speaks for itself...
Dancing machines... great air guitar...though don't think it impressed Pete or Jimmy!

Again....THANK YOU for a wonderful night!

The good and bad...

This time I'm going to do the good first. The party is THIS SATURDAY! Ahhhhh! Lots of planning to do....but it will be a ton of fun!! Some details.... there will be a donations table (with recommended donation of $10 per person) and a silent auction (which has some really great items...including donations from Inn at Essex, Burton, Magic Hat, VT Massage, VT Teddy Bear, Child Travel, Flynn Theater, and area restaurants. Also donations of and Ipod, earrings, chocolates, chesters (yum!), magazine subscriptions, and much more!) All of the proceeds from these donations will go to the Cancer Patient Support Program at Fletcher Allen. I will also be selling tee-shirts for another cancer fund in the area (SD Ireland Cancer Research Fund http://www.sdirelandcancerresearch.org/). These are great, fun shirts! (I was wearing one in a previous blog post that said 'Beat It').
So...I hope to see you all at Nectars on Saturday at 5ish! oh....and wear your dancin' shoes, as there will be a DJ!

Now...I'm going to ask that you send warm thoughts to one of my support group friends. (need to ask her if I can share her name...) She found out last week that her cancer had returned and has spread to her bones. Her primary cancer was breast, and she had a mastectomy last year and was presumed to be cancer-free. Since December, she has had back pain. She assumed it was from bending over a machine, making her wooden bowl (one of our group events), however the pain persisted. She had it checked out, and it turned out to be cancer metastisis. She's only in her 30's. It's really a reminder to me how terrible, ruthless, and unfair this disease is...and it angers me beyond belief. She is a great person, who was such a wonderful support to me as I was going through treatment...and my thoughts and prayers have been with her a lot in the past week, as I wish her strength in coping with her new diagnosis and reality. Please include her in your prayers as well...

Status Update

So, thought I'd just give you a quick update on my health...as I realized I haven't done that in while. To start with...I've gained 18 pounds since I finished chemo (yup...that's a lot..considering I only lost 7!). The thing is...food is so good now!! After having no appetite for so long....I'm enjoying everything I can get my hands on! I'm realizing I need to start expending more energy to balance this out (because changing my diet is not an option right now!)... so I'm currently sitting on the couch unable to move due to sore muscles from 2 days at the gym. Granted my workouts are pretty lame...and embarrasing at times...but I'm trying really hard to not get frustrated with myself and my abilities.. and realize that I have to start somewhere.

Another frustration...but improvement is my hair. I now have the energy to be annoyed and embarrased with how much hair I've lost. I know this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of wellness...but I'd really like to have enough hair to cover my bald spots. I did get a haircut last week, and my hairdresser informed me that it was coming back in (brown and curly)...so that was very promising...because I was starting to get worried!

Finally...the most debilitating and annoying side effect that has lasted is the peripheral neuropathy. Its a sensation that is very hard to describe. I really have limited fine motor skills because I can't feel things. For example...I can't put earrings in that have a backing because I can't feel the backing in my fingers. Sometimes I even have problems putting in earrings without backings because I also can't feel the earring! I also have difficulty opening things, texting, typing, writing, etc. Taking this sensation into consideration, my fingertips and toes are also very sensitive to texture. It hurts to wash my hair, pet my dog, touch a towel, walk barefooted on tile or carpet, etc. It's wierd that I can't feel some things, but others are painful...but its just the way it is. I've been getting vitamin B12 shots weekly for the past 3 weeks to try to help with the neuropathy, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I also just started taking a new medication called neurontin...so hopefully that will help...we'll see!

I think thats all I have to share now. I have a CT scan this week...so we'll see how that goes. Also...party planning is in full force....and going to be a great time! (reminder- nectars..March 1st..5-8pm) Hope to see you there!

Enjoy your week!

a GREAT weekend!

I spent the past four days in Baltimore visiting with friends! It was so great to get away and I had a ton of fun!!! Thanks friends!! You gave me a much needed vacation!!

Yummy Beer Charlie!!!

Cheers Shelber...(you were missed!)Duck pin bowling and 40's...good ol' Bmore fun!

So long port!

Now you see it....
(no..my hair is not greasy dirty...just balding...lovely!)
Now you don't...

My port was removed a couple of weeks ago!!! I was very excited to see it go as it caused me lots of distress related to nausea and vomiting. With this being said... it was a must have for me to get chemo, as it made my treatment much easier. It saved my veins and me the trouble of being poked every five minutes for labs to be drawn or IVs to be started. So, overall, it was very helpful....as hard as that is for me to admit!

Oh...and you might notice that I now have 2 scars from this darn thing. When they took it out, they made a new incision!! This ticked me off a bit! Prior to the procedure (which entailed lidocaine injections, and ativan to chill my nerves a little) I asked the nurse if they could use the same incision, so I would only have one scar. She said that this is what usually happened. Then the doc came in and removed it. As he was finishing, the nurse told me that he made a new incision to get it out easier. I was a little annoyed because I wish the doc would have asked me or even told me what he was doing with an explanation...I would have been okay with the 2 incisions if this were the case. Rather, there was no consideration for me, or a thought that I'm young and sometimes wear shirts or bathing suits that show that part of my body...so it might matter to me that there is an extra scar. Its the first time during this whole experience where I was made to feel like I was just a 'number' as opposed to a whole person. Granted...I realize its not that big of a deal, and I'm not loosing any sleep over it....its just an observation on my part. One of my friends recommended that I get a tatoo to compliment it, as it looks like an equal sign on my chest....so I'm open for any creative ideas! :)