What a difference a year makes....

One year ago today, I would never have expected to be in Vermont right now. I was packing my apartment and making big plans for California. Much can change in a year....or a day...

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary from my diagnosis. I plan on celebrating all weekend long... as I am here....and I am healthy.....

I started my 3 day weekend (much needed, by the way! Working full time is exhausting!) by going on a little hike with Molly. The weather wasn't great...but it was still beautiful. I'll end the weekend with the half marathon...ugh... But I plan to enjoy all moments in between to remind me how lucky I am!

Here are some pics from the hike....

A bit daunting... I thought winter was over....but we found snow!

Smile, Molly!

Happy Dog..

The sun came out for 30 seconds and lit up the path...

A view...

The pond (way down there) ...Molly had a great time swimming!

We rewarded ourselves for our hard work with treats on the way home!!

She's really wants that bone...

I found this picture from a hike last year. This was the day before I left for Baltimore to have my surgery....(wow...my first thought in looking at this is...'there's a tumor inside of me!') I was enjoying one of my last days of having energy for awhile....

I suppose I've come full circle... :)

Have a great Memorial Day weekend! I hope you get to spend it with family and/or loved ones!

Weekend of Hope

Two weekends ago (yes...I've been meaning to write this for awhile...but have been busy with work...ugh)...I spent the weekend in Stowe for the Weekend of Hope. I was very excited about going, as I volunteered on a 'welcoming' committee on Friday and our support group was given a house to stay at for the weekend. Plus, there was an article about me in our local paper promoting the weekend (I purposely kept this a secret...as I wasn't sure how it would turn out! And.. I wasn't thrilled with it...as I felt like I sounded like an idiot. Oh.. and the picture was just terrible! Anyway...you Hopkins people will see it, as they are going reprint the article in the next JH Nursing magazine...but... I will be sending them another picture!!!) ANYWAY....the weekend was filled with both great and not so great memories.

Unfortunately, its the not so great memories that seem to have really stuck with me over the past couple of weeks....so I'm going to get them out of the way by sharing them first. I went to a dessert talk about colon cancer on Friday evening. I had spent a really great day meeting new people and feeding off the positive energy surrounding the weekend. Then....the talk started out something like this...."Pharmaceutical companies are just so great! yada yada....They are the ones who sponsor all of the research for new drugs...yada yada...its not the government....its the pharm companies...oh...and here's my rep in the back...she'll give you some free books...but, really, she and I are responsible for creating new colon cancer drugs :) because if you would have had stage IV colon cancer three years ago, we would have given you only about 6 weeks to live...now we give you 28 + months!!" Hooray for you, lady! Way to spread the HOPE....all we hear is 'you're gonna die'....Know Your Audience! She then went on to bombard us with statistics. Now, statistics are something that I've stayed clear of throughout this whole ordeal. I started looking up stage III colon cancer one time last summer, and caught a glimpse of some statistics, and immediately shut my computer and haven't looked back. However....there it was, on the large powerpoint screen for what seemed like an hour at least....my chance of 'surviving' the next 4 years. Again, maybe this was meant to be hopeful in someway...however, all I saw was my chance at not surviving the next 4 years. There is a 33% (yup that's 1/3) chance that this stupid disease will come back and kill me...and this is scary. In other words, the survival statistic is around 66%. Granted 66% may not seem like a scary number. It's better than half, but would you play those odds in Vegas with your life on the line? So...I've spent the last couple of weeks processing this. I find myself getting angry at people who are getting upset with some of the normal frustrations of life. (For example...dating...I know a lot of people who are frustrated and complain about the fact that they haven't found 'the one'. However, even though I know I should be more compassionate, this is a complaint that I have a difficult time listening to because my mind immediately jumps to "oh yeah...imagine trying to find 'the one' by disclosing the fact that you may not be here in 4 years".) I've found my mind going in this direction a lot more frequently in the past couple of weeks...and getting angry with people who don't know how good they've got it. But...then I go to work...and work with patients and families who ARE actually dying...and I think 'shame on me'. I'm still here...and currently healthy...so I need to enjoy what I've got!

So...those 2-3 hours of the weekend were really the low point of an otherwise great weekend. I met a new friend (another young woman with stage III colon ca) and we had dinner and could have talked for hours...as our stories and outlook are very similar. I also had a good time with the members of my support group...as we made a big dinner on Sat. night and invited others over to join us. Overall, there was a great vibe to the weekend, and it was nice to be with so many others who can relate and spread/share wisdom and hope. I look forward to next year...and now know that I will only go to the seminars that are inspirational and make me feel good...as I think it is a much more productive way to spend my time!

Cruisin'

We FINALLY went on our cruise last week....and we had a blast! For those of you who know me well...I had been talking about this cruise constantly and had been packed since December, as I was so excited to go! The idea arose when my mother, Aunt Lynna and I were on our drive home from Baltimore following my surgery. We decided we needed something to look forward to. So plans started to take shape last fall and a 'girls only' family cruise was planned. My mother, grandmother, 3 aunts, and 2 cousins celebrated in style! Thanks gals for a wonderful week!
Here are some (okay...many) pics from the week....

Our first night was in Orlando where we went to downtown Disney for dinner at Bongos...we later walked around and found this photo op....

On Sunday, we went kayaking through the mangroves. We saw a dolphin and many birds and wildlife (even a raccoon sleeping in a tree!)
Another cheesy photo op at the beach...(we obviously don't know how to surf, as demonstrated by our technique).

We made it on the boat...and the pina coladas started to flow...

I finally got to wear my red shoes (bought them immediately following my NCLEX..aka nursing boards...when I thought I failed!)

The second night (we spent the day in bathing suits....so pictures are not included)...this is our formal night..

It started out innocent enough with free cocktails at the captain's welcome...

But...you know you've had too much to drink when....
In Naussau...goofing around...

We thought it appropriate to eat lunch here...

Atlantis....

The pirate was trying to steal my TWO desserts.....NO WAY!

Mother! What are you looking at?

Our professional photo op...

Our amateur photo op..

The last night the kitchen went out of their way to make each of us creme brule for our cancer free celebration...It was DELICIOUS!!! yum....I'm salivating just thinking about it... (thanks monica...)

Our last morning on the boat.....Too much fun for one week wore Katie out!

My mom, aunt and I stayed an extra day and just relaxed and spoiled ourselves with room service...

We've already started looking into next year....thats how much fun was had! Again thank you family...you gave me something to look forward to during many difficult moments and a week that I will always remember....Love you!

It's been awhile...

What can I say? I know it's been awhile...but time goes by much faster now that I'm not stuck in bed every other week! I continue to work part time (until May1st when I go back to full...ahhhh) and I spend my days off keeping busy taking long walks with Mollydog and exercising (still planning to run a half marathon in May...1 year and 1 day from my diagnosis!)....besides this, I don't know where the rest of my time goes!
It's wierd...I feel almost healed...however cancer is still very much a part of me. I continue to have symptoms every now and then (bowel issues, and stomach pains/cramping) and it freaks me out...as I am unable to differentiate cancer from crohns since they happened simultaneously for me. I saw another doctor last week...who kind of eased my mind...and helped me understand a follow up plan (CT scans every 6 mo, doctor every 3 mo, colonoscopy every year). I was grateful for this because I was feeling sort of lost. Its just wierd that I spent 8 months of my life on a very regimented, protocol-based plan. I was at the doctors every other week, and depending on my counts, symptoms, etc. there was a particular plan in place. After my last treatment...there just seemed to be no plan/protocol to follow. I walked out of the clinic and just returned to a regular life....or I guess that's what is supposed to happen...but is mentally not possible. I suppose this is why most people join support groups or find a therapist after treatment...because you're just left hanging after a pretty traumatic experience. Anyway...I feel that, for the most part, I'm doing well. I do get in a funk every couple of weeks. It lasts about a day...I feel sorry for myself and get scared about the future...then I get some sleep and regroup...and get back to life.

I went to see Bernie Seigel last weekend. This was a great experience. He is a surgeon from Yale who had written many books about attitude and healing. I really enjoyed the talk because I am in a place where I want to believe that I can control my future. However, I tried reading one of his books while going through chemo, and it really upset me. I didn't want to believe (and still don't believe) that attitude is everything and can cure all. I also don't believe its what causes cancer or disease. I was speaking with my friend whose breast cancer has metastisized everywhere and has a very poor prognosis, and she didn't like the talk because it made her feel guilty for not being able to cure herself. I, too, would have been upset if I were her. However, I thought the talk was great and very inspiring...and reminded me that I can control my attitude.

I am also on a welcoming committee for The Weekend of Hope in Stowe in May. This is a weekend where survivors from all over the eastern states come for educational seminars, and as a bonding experience to be with other survivors. One of the things we decided to do this year was give survivors glass 'hope' stones when they check in as a memento of the weekend. There's a therapeutic activity that I was reading about where the night before a difficult procedure, or hospital stay, etc. the survivor is supposed to get together with friends/loved ones for dinner. After dinner, the stone is passed around to each person and they tell of a time when they faced a challenge and a certain attribute that helped them succeed (for example courage). The finish their story by saying "I put courage into this rock for you". The survivor then takes the rock with them and had it when they are feeling low/scared/lonely/etc. (I actually used to do this with some of the kids I worked with too...so it can be used in other contexts) Anyway, I volunteered to make the stones. So I had friend over for dinner, and before I could even serve it, they had completed the 600 stones! Here's a sample...

Okay...I'm talked out! Not sure that anyone reads this anymore...but oh well...its still therapeutic to me!

Cruise 10 days and counting!
Adios!

more pics

So Tough!
Preparing to talk...

Friends...

My gals...

My Nurses! They're fun!

Sue...the dancing queen!

The dance floor!

If anyone else has any pictures...email them...as I'd love to see (and share) them!

Huge Success!!

I hope that everyone had as much fun as I had last night!

The party was a great success! It was really wonderful to see so many people from so many different aspects of my life come together to show their support...and their dancing skills! It meant the world to me...and was definitely a night that I will remember forever! Thank you!

We're still finishing tallying our final total. However, here's what we have so far...

$760 in t-shirt sales for SD Ireland Cancer Research!

Approximately $1800 from the silent auction for CPSP!

Approximately $1500 through direct donations to CPSP!

*If you would still like to make a donation, checks can be made payable to: Cancer Patient Support Program and sent directly to me in the mail over the next week.

Okay...now the fun part! Here are some preliminary pictures! There will be more to come...and a link to the Burlington Free Press when those pictures are posted... so continue to be on the lookout!

My Parents......


Tim and his girlfriend Nicole working hard! They were a huge part of what made the evening such a success...as they were the worker bees, collecting money and selling shirts! Thanks guys!

My UNH buddies!!

Another huge fear conquered! Public Speaking...ugh!

Mom on the dance floor....

Tim and I...

Melissa's floating head...
This picture speaks for itself...
Dancing machines... great air guitar...though don't think it impressed Pete or Jimmy!

Again....THANK YOU for a wonderful night!

The good and bad...

This time I'm going to do the good first. The party is THIS SATURDAY! Ahhhhh! Lots of planning to do....but it will be a ton of fun!! Some details.... there will be a donations table (with recommended donation of $10 per person) and a silent auction (which has some really great items...including donations from Inn at Essex, Burton, Magic Hat, VT Massage, VT Teddy Bear, Child Travel, Flynn Theater, and area restaurants. Also donations of and Ipod, earrings, chocolates, chesters (yum!), magazine subscriptions, and much more!) All of the proceeds from these donations will go to the Cancer Patient Support Program at Fletcher Allen. I will also be selling tee-shirts for another cancer fund in the area (SD Ireland Cancer Research Fund http://www.sdirelandcancerresearch.org/). These are great, fun shirts! (I was wearing one in a previous blog post that said 'Beat It').
So...I hope to see you all at Nectars on Saturday at 5ish! oh....and wear your dancin' shoes, as there will be a DJ!

Now...I'm going to ask that you send warm thoughts to one of my support group friends. (need to ask her if I can share her name...) She found out last week that her cancer had returned and has spread to her bones. Her primary cancer was breast, and she had a mastectomy last year and was presumed to be cancer-free. Since December, she has had back pain. She assumed it was from bending over a machine, making her wooden bowl (one of our group events), however the pain persisted. She had it checked out, and it turned out to be cancer metastisis. She's only in her 30's. It's really a reminder to me how terrible, ruthless, and unfair this disease is...and it angers me beyond belief. She is a great person, who was such a wonderful support to me as I was going through treatment...and my thoughts and prayers have been with her a lot in the past week, as I wish her strength in coping with her new diagnosis and reality. Please include her in your prayers as well...