DONE!

I am officially done! The doctors have decided it best to skip this last treatment. I'm currently on an emotional rollercoaster (as I wasn't prepared for this!)...so I plan to spend the day giving thanks, crying, then partying my tail off into 2008!

Happy New Year Everyone!

(ps...I'll write more tomorrow after some more time to process...)

A Good Week..

Hi All!

Hope everyone has enjoyed a relaxing week of vacation!

The week here has been great! Christmas was a pretty perfect day of family fun. I then worked Wed-Sat...and they were good work days (which always makes it easier to go back the next day!). Even better, I spent the evenings after work this week catching up with friends I haven't seen in awhile...which is always fun! I even got a massage from one of my friends who is a massage therapist on Friday....and that was just wonderful!! (After, we went to dinner, and I was all greased up from the massage and in my pjs....but ya know...who cares...it was more important for me to see friends!) And I spent last night watching football...which under normal circumstances would be my nightmare of a Saturday night...but when you add delicious food and great company...it becomes a lot of fun! So overall, I jammed a lot of good memories into a little week! This makes it easier to go back to chemo, because I feel like I lived a so-called normal life this week!

Anyway...here are some Christmas pics to share!

Tim's ready for college with his new backpack, and I'm ready to hike or bum around town with mine! (Also, please note our lovely tv fire in the background!)

My brothers and I had a Salsa-off on Christmas day. My parents were very generous and fair with their judging, however....I think I won (mine's in the middle.....)

Molly Santa...

The only medical complication this week was a rather embarrassing one. I was eating an apple at work and cut the top of my mouth which would not stop bleeding! After saturating about 4 washclothes with blood and about 20 minutes of bleeding...the nurses that I was eating with decided that action needed to be taken! One was on the phone with the clinic, and the other was getting me wheelchair to wheel me down (which I politely refused!) I did go to the clinic and, of course, the bleeding stopped when I got there! They drew some labs, and I didn't hear anything, so I assume all is well. I just was informed to eat a soft diet for awhile so I don't re-injure the area....so that's what I'm trying to do!

Finally....my last treatment is tomorrow!!! Since I've had such a busy week, I haven't really had the opportunity to process this...but I woke up this morning in disbelief...I really can't believe it, as its become such a large part of my life! Of course, I am overwhelmed with excitement, as I'm sick of being sick. But there's also a tiny part of me that is a bit apprehensive. As, much as I hate hate hate chemo, at least I know that I am doing something to fight and kill any cancer cells that might be trying to grow. When I'm done, I'm on my own again....and my body has already failed me once on its own. So...there's that little bit of doubt in my mind..... (I am told by patients and survivors that this is a totally normal and common reaction) However, the excitement far outweighs the doubt!!!

So....I wish you all a Happy New Year! Have fun and be safe! And I thank you all for your kindeness and support which got me through 2007!

lots of love to you all!

Happy Holidays!

Hi Everyone! First I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas! (I only got a portion of my Christmas cards out...eek!) So....I hope everyone is able to relax and enjoy the holiday season...(and that all you new nurses get some time off!!!) and... I hope you all take the time to ENJOY your loved ones! I'm happy that I get to do this, and feel good...as I'm on the mend again! (I'm ready to play, and win, all the family games!)

So...now the yuck of the 11th treatment! It was not fun! I've now experienced the bone pain of neulasta...and its pretty debilitating. Neulasta is the shot I get on Thursdays to boost my white blood cell production (therefore gives me an immune system). I also got a shot on Tuesday called darbopoetin to boost my red cell production (hgb-9), as I had met the criteria...aka, I was anemic enough. I actually was pretty sure that I would need the darbo...as I think I'm beginning to notice the difference between anemic tired, and normal tired. All day at work on Monday, my whole body was exhausted...not just my head. It's funny, sometimes my preceptor will check in with me saying that I look tired and encourage me to take a break...but my response will sometimes be..'no this is a good, normal tired'. Anyway...tangent...so I'm thinking maybe the combo of the two shots enhanced the pain.? (By the way...these are the two most painful shots ever created...I'm sure of it! The medicine burns as it goes in!...but...its only about 30 seconds which makes it tolerable).

Whew...I am scattered this morning...hope you're able to follow! Anyway..the bone pain is unlike anything I've really experienced. Most of my pain before could be pinpointed (usually to my head, as I've always had problems with headaches), but this was just a pain all over. It hurt to move, to be touched, I just ached all over. The acupuncture on Thursday didn't seem to help, rather it hurt too! Actually, it may have helped release some emotions, as I started to cry when I got home, and couldn't stop. I cried all through dinner, then my mom brought me to bed again and just sat with me as I slept. It was really rather pathetic! Don't worry, I've progressed since then. I've felt better each day (my movement increases by about a decade per day...Thursday, I moved like a 90 year old, Friday I was down to 80....) Today, I feel much better...and feel the need to stretch and walk to loosen up again!

Anyway...I guess I didn't feel the need to sugar-coat anything... I'm sure you've all had about enough sugar with all the holiday goodies! So...yes, #11 sucked...but it's over in time to really enjoy my Christmas...and that I'm am excited about!

So...again...Merry Christmas everyone!

Chemo still sucks...

Sorry...I'm cranky! So sick of feeling lousy! My days start out okay....I usually lay in bed for hours before I get the energy to get up...but these hours I usually feel good. Then I get up make breakfast, try to get some pills down, then I just seem to be deteriorating throughout the day! It pisses me off! By 8pm last night, I was done and feeling gross all over. My mom had to tuck me in and rub my back for a little while to calm me down. This may have been due to the fact that I tried to overdo it by going to a support group. I started making a wooden bowl at a woodworking school two weeks ago with the group...and just wanted to finish it!...and I didn't want to find time to go back on my own! So I tried...and almost completed it, but left someone else to stain it, as the smell was just too much!

Anyway....I have to go get my pump off in an hour...this is one of the low points in my week...so wish me luck! I then have an acupuncture appointment at 4pm... so hopefully that will help!

I apologize for all of the complaining...I thought that this treatment would fly by as its number 11!....but that just doesn't seem to be happening...therefore, I must complain!

The Holiday Spirit...

Howdy!

Some friends and I have decided to initiate a Girls Night In once a month. We spent this month decorating holiday cookies. We had a great time! Thanks gals!

Also, to update you on my work schedule...I did decrease hours again. I'm now working 40 hours within a two week period. This is good because it cuts out the 12 hour shifts.

Back to chemo tomorrow for #11....I think I can do it now! ONLY TWO LEFT!!!!

Oh...and we got more snow on Sunday......

2 days of relaxation...ahhhh

How often do we get the opportunity to wake up and say, "If I could do anything today...what would I do?" I've been fortunate enough to wake up the past two mornings and ask myself this question....and I have fully enjoyed myself! Yesterday, I bundled up and spent part of the morning on an adventure with my dog. It started off as just a walk through the neighborhood...however we decided to explore some trails...or really just make our own through the woods. (The woods are absolutely beautiful right now because of all the snow). It was the most fun I've had in awhile, and I had to laugh out loud as I crawled up a too steep hill, and my lungs burned for the first time in 6 months! Also...Molly was pretty funny, as she did not like our break in routine, and kept trying to grab the leash from my hand to pull me back to civilization!
Then...what's better after being out in the cold, but to come home and take a hot bubble bath? I put in a good cd and just relaxed. Almost as good as the spa.
Finally, I spent the rest of the afternoon reading Eat, Pray, Love. Its an inspiring, fabulous read! I've just finished the Eat section....and really enjoyed it, as I can relate to her love of good food! Its one of my greatest pleasures too! (I hope the crohns doesn't mess with this!)

Today, I woke up early (okay...that wasn't one of the high points of the day, I must admit!) and went to see an acupuncturist. I have to admit, it was a bit wierd, and not necessarily pain free (but not painful either). But it put me in a fabulous mood! I had 'needles' in the strangest places: tops of ears, interior wrists, cheeks, fingers, toes, and shins. They were supposed to help with my TMJ from chemo, and stomach/GI issues I've had recently. We'll see how it works (TMJ was better at lunch). I plan to go back next Thursday, after I get my pump off. (This is usually a very hard time for me...so we'll see how it goes!)
I then spent some time shopping, had a yummy lunch with a friend, then came home for a short nap. Overall another good day!

I go back to work tomorrow...so no more 'me time' for a little while...but I'm pretty content with the two days that I've had...as most people don't get this opportunity frequently with the hustle and bustle of our busy lives.

Some pics to leave you with....

My Happy Feet.... :)

Wanna procrastinate?

Just found a new blog that you can check out if you're in the mood to procrastinate. ( http://www.npr.org/blogs/mycancer/) This is a daily blog on npr...and I read that this guy had colon cancer...but haven't read that on his blog anywhere yet. Anyway...a lot of what he had to say really resonated with how I feel... particularly this quote:

"My friends know what I'm going through, and they don't look away. That is a huge gift. It lets me be me. I don't have to worry about appearances when my body is demanding my energy and attention. After all, right now I have an excuse for falling asleep. In a few weeks, that may change. But their understanding of what I'm going through is priceless.
I'm a lucky man."
-- Leroy Sievers

Hope the holiday season is bringing you cheer!

10th Treatment in progress....

To start off....just wanted to let you know that Mother Nature did not disappoint!! Here are some pics my dad took on a walk yesterday...

I really want to go out and play....but my neuropathies are really triggered by cold! For example, cold triggers my hands to be on pins and needles...and then not really work/bend. I do wear gloves for this around the house (to get in refridge, touch cold appliances, etc.) however...its really cold outside...I need to find my thick gloves before I venture out (however, that means going into my cold basement to go through boxes....so we'll see :) ) Also, my nose gets neuropathy too! When I'm outside it feels like somebody shot it up with novacaine, but when I touch it, it's all pins and needles too! Besides that... everything is just much colder to my flesh...it almost burns. However, after all this complaining....it is quite beautiful outside...so I may try to bundle up as much as possible (probably scare a few neighbors) and make it to the end of my road! I just want to enjoy it before the plow trucks make everything turn brown!

Anyway....back to my main purpose...10th treatment. I had a hard time making it to this one...basically because the side effects have been lasting longer, and I don't feel totally recuperated when its time for me to return. For example, my appetite was still very finicky, I still had bouts of nausea, etc. So, I regressed and protested getting out of bed (don't worry it was an internal protest...I didn't regress that much) I did make it out and to treatment right on time. Then when my doc asked how I was doing, my teary answer was "I'm done with this". I do know deep down that I'll keep going, however there are always low points along the way where I just want to quit! Anyway, my routine during chemo days are to go in, get my port accessed with labs drawn at the same time, then meet with the doctor. By the time this is done, my lab work is back, and if everything looks good enough for chemo, then I have to take a anti-nausea pill, then wait an hour for chemo. Well, taking this pill yesterday almost made me throw up. My stomach just seems to be rejecting pills right now. Luckily the massage therapist, Sharon, was there to help me through the stomach lurching, and I made it without throwing up that expensive pill! She then gave me a fabulous, long, back massage which, I believe was the turning point in my day. I think I finally relaxed, after being worked up all morning. I spent the rest of the morning looking for Christmas presents in magazines with my dad, visiting with nurses and staff, and napping. And....Sharon came back to give me a foot massage...which was wonderful because I had worked at 13.5 hour day on my feet on Monday!

When I met with my doctor yesterday, her main advice was to recommend that I take a leave from work for the next month-month and a half. This is because the toxicity from the chemo seems to continue to build in my body (ie. side effects lasting longer, and new side effects...palmer erythema/red palms, vision probs) I'm apprehensive about this for a couple of reasons. One, I don't think my job will allow it, as during hospital orientation, they stated that you had to be employed for 6 months prior to taking a leave...and I'm not there yet. Therefore, I don't know what would work for my insurance. So, I need to look into this. Second, I would go crazy spending all of my good days hanging around..I feel like I do that enough. It's okay if I have something to do...but most people work all day...and I can only Christmas shop so much. Plus, I do like my job, and think that it keeps me sane. So, I suppose I'll speak with my boss, and try to downsize hours again. I do know that 12 hour shifts are becoming too much for me, so that may be one change, and we'll see what else we can work out.

Well, I suppose thats it for now! I do have my last treatment date (can't remember if I shared yet)...But it's DECEMBER 31st!!! Out with the old and in with the new!

And, I'm starting to put into motion and Good Riddance Cancer/Fundraiser party for Feb or March. (I'm open to any good ideas from anyone!!!) I'll let you all know when I have a date!

Thanks for reading/listening! Take care everyone!

Human Again

Okay...I've gotten some slack for taking so long to write! I apologize! Last week was a busy one for me. I worked 32 hours M-W. These days were okay...Its still hard for me to be 100% (or at least 70%) at the beginning of the week, as I'm still very tired and nauseous. Last week, it became a little pattern that I would throw up at the end of each day. I'm not typically nauseous throughout the day...something just will trigger it (ex. brushing my teeth) that will set me off. Anyway....I made it through sucessfully...then laid in bed and read all day on Thursday! It was an okay day...however I became very cranky in the afternoon. As I was analyzing this...I realized my crankiness started when I saw a commercial for Pirates of the Carribean 3 coming to video. This is the movie that I saw on the night that I was diagnosed...and it must of triggered some pent up anger that wasn't released back in May...because I was a crank!

Anyway, I went to bed early and woke up on Friday in a fabulous mood! This is because I knew that had a weekend of fun and being normal ahead of me! I worked an 8 hour shift....(8 hour shifts fly by!) Then I came home and a massage therapist came to my house to give me a massage!!! At first I was a little apprehensive for her to come to my house...however...it was great not having to bundle up and go out in the cold after! Plus I could just get in my pjs and cuddle up for the night.

Then Saturday...my friend, Deanna, and I took at trip to Boston for the night! This was a real special treat for me, as I'm always scheduled to work on my good weekends. When I realized that I had a 'feel good' weekend off...I immediately started scheming a way to get out of town! So, we arrived in Boston Sat. afternoon and caught up with some friends, went out to a delicious dinner, then hit the town for a little while. It was really nice to feel like a 'normal' 29 year old again, and not spend a Sat. night in bed! We then had breakfast with my brother and his girlfriend this morning, and headed home. It was quick....but refreshing! Here are some pics from the 'crazy' night out....

Also....to top all of that off...I arrived home to a clean bed with new flannel sheets...ahhhh! (I'm such a sucker for comfort!)

Anyway...I work a 12 hour day tomorrow...then Tuesday I'm back to chemo...(this is the first time I've been able to mention it without feeling like throwing up or crying...so I guess that means I'm ready again....ugh)

I'll be better at writing this week...and updating you about whats going on medically...

And...Vermonters...think snow!!! (We're supposed to get 10-18 inches tonight!) Gosh...I miss snow days....