DONE!

I am officially done! The doctors have decided it best to skip this last treatment. I'm currently on an emotional rollercoaster (as I wasn't prepared for this!)...so I plan to spend the day giving thanks, crying, then partying my tail off into 2008!

Happy New Year Everyone!

(ps...I'll write more tomorrow after some more time to process...)

A Good Week..

Hi All!

Hope everyone has enjoyed a relaxing week of vacation!

The week here has been great! Christmas was a pretty perfect day of family fun. I then worked Wed-Sat...and they were good work days (which always makes it easier to go back the next day!). Even better, I spent the evenings after work this week catching up with friends I haven't seen in awhile...which is always fun! I even got a massage from one of my friends who is a massage therapist on Friday....and that was just wonderful!! (After, we went to dinner, and I was all greased up from the massage and in my pjs....but ya know...who cares...it was more important for me to see friends!) And I spent last night watching football...which under normal circumstances would be my nightmare of a Saturday night...but when you add delicious food and great company...it becomes a lot of fun! So overall, I jammed a lot of good memories into a little week! This makes it easier to go back to chemo, because I feel like I lived a so-called normal life this week!

Anyway...here are some Christmas pics to share!

Tim's ready for college with his new backpack, and I'm ready to hike or bum around town with mine! (Also, please note our lovely tv fire in the background!)

My brothers and I had a Salsa-off on Christmas day. My parents were very generous and fair with their judging, however....I think I won (mine's in the middle.....)

Molly Santa...

The only medical complication this week was a rather embarrassing one. I was eating an apple at work and cut the top of my mouth which would not stop bleeding! After saturating about 4 washclothes with blood and about 20 minutes of bleeding...the nurses that I was eating with decided that action needed to be taken! One was on the phone with the clinic, and the other was getting me wheelchair to wheel me down (which I politely refused!) I did go to the clinic and, of course, the bleeding stopped when I got there! They drew some labs, and I didn't hear anything, so I assume all is well. I just was informed to eat a soft diet for awhile so I don't re-injure the area....so that's what I'm trying to do!

Finally....my last treatment is tomorrow!!! Since I've had such a busy week, I haven't really had the opportunity to process this...but I woke up this morning in disbelief...I really can't believe it, as its become such a large part of my life! Of course, I am overwhelmed with excitement, as I'm sick of being sick. But there's also a tiny part of me that is a bit apprehensive. As, much as I hate hate hate chemo, at least I know that I am doing something to fight and kill any cancer cells that might be trying to grow. When I'm done, I'm on my own again....and my body has already failed me once on its own. So...there's that little bit of doubt in my mind..... (I am told by patients and survivors that this is a totally normal and common reaction) However, the excitement far outweighs the doubt!!!

So....I wish you all a Happy New Year! Have fun and be safe! And I thank you all for your kindeness and support which got me through 2007!

lots of love to you all!

Happy Holidays!

Hi Everyone! First I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas! (I only got a portion of my Christmas cards out...eek!) So....I hope everyone is able to relax and enjoy the holiday season...(and that all you new nurses get some time off!!!) and... I hope you all take the time to ENJOY your loved ones! I'm happy that I get to do this, and feel good...as I'm on the mend again! (I'm ready to play, and win, all the family games!)

So...now the yuck of the 11th treatment! It was not fun! I've now experienced the bone pain of neulasta...and its pretty debilitating. Neulasta is the shot I get on Thursdays to boost my white blood cell production (therefore gives me an immune system). I also got a shot on Tuesday called darbopoetin to boost my red cell production (hgb-9), as I had met the criteria...aka, I was anemic enough. I actually was pretty sure that I would need the darbo...as I think I'm beginning to notice the difference between anemic tired, and normal tired. All day at work on Monday, my whole body was exhausted...not just my head. It's funny, sometimes my preceptor will check in with me saying that I look tired and encourage me to take a break...but my response will sometimes be..'no this is a good, normal tired'. Anyway...tangent...so I'm thinking maybe the combo of the two shots enhanced the pain.? (By the way...these are the two most painful shots ever created...I'm sure of it! The medicine burns as it goes in!...but...its only about 30 seconds which makes it tolerable).

Whew...I am scattered this morning...hope you're able to follow! Anyway..the bone pain is unlike anything I've really experienced. Most of my pain before could be pinpointed (usually to my head, as I've always had problems with headaches), but this was just a pain all over. It hurt to move, to be touched, I just ached all over. The acupuncture on Thursday didn't seem to help, rather it hurt too! Actually, it may have helped release some emotions, as I started to cry when I got home, and couldn't stop. I cried all through dinner, then my mom brought me to bed again and just sat with me as I slept. It was really rather pathetic! Don't worry, I've progressed since then. I've felt better each day (my movement increases by about a decade per day...Thursday, I moved like a 90 year old, Friday I was down to 80....) Today, I feel much better...and feel the need to stretch and walk to loosen up again!

Anyway...I guess I didn't feel the need to sugar-coat anything... I'm sure you've all had about enough sugar with all the holiday goodies! So...yes, #11 sucked...but it's over in time to really enjoy my Christmas...and that I'm am excited about!

So...again...Merry Christmas everyone!

Chemo still sucks...

Sorry...I'm cranky! So sick of feeling lousy! My days start out okay....I usually lay in bed for hours before I get the energy to get up...but these hours I usually feel good. Then I get up make breakfast, try to get some pills down, then I just seem to be deteriorating throughout the day! It pisses me off! By 8pm last night, I was done and feeling gross all over. My mom had to tuck me in and rub my back for a little while to calm me down. This may have been due to the fact that I tried to overdo it by going to a support group. I started making a wooden bowl at a woodworking school two weeks ago with the group...and just wanted to finish it!...and I didn't want to find time to go back on my own! So I tried...and almost completed it, but left someone else to stain it, as the smell was just too much!

Anyway....I have to go get my pump off in an hour...this is one of the low points in my week...so wish me luck! I then have an acupuncture appointment at 4pm... so hopefully that will help!

I apologize for all of the complaining...I thought that this treatment would fly by as its number 11!....but that just doesn't seem to be happening...therefore, I must complain!

The Holiday Spirit...

Howdy!

Some friends and I have decided to initiate a Girls Night In once a month. We spent this month decorating holiday cookies. We had a great time! Thanks gals!

Also, to update you on my work schedule...I did decrease hours again. I'm now working 40 hours within a two week period. This is good because it cuts out the 12 hour shifts.

Back to chemo tomorrow for #11....I think I can do it now! ONLY TWO LEFT!!!!

Oh...and we got more snow on Sunday......

2 days of relaxation...ahhhh

How often do we get the opportunity to wake up and say, "If I could do anything today...what would I do?" I've been fortunate enough to wake up the past two mornings and ask myself this question....and I have fully enjoyed myself! Yesterday, I bundled up and spent part of the morning on an adventure with my dog. It started off as just a walk through the neighborhood...however we decided to explore some trails...or really just make our own through the woods. (The woods are absolutely beautiful right now because of all the snow). It was the most fun I've had in awhile, and I had to laugh out loud as I crawled up a too steep hill, and my lungs burned for the first time in 6 months! Also...Molly was pretty funny, as she did not like our break in routine, and kept trying to grab the leash from my hand to pull me back to civilization!
Then...what's better after being out in the cold, but to come home and take a hot bubble bath? I put in a good cd and just relaxed. Almost as good as the spa.
Finally, I spent the rest of the afternoon reading Eat, Pray, Love. Its an inspiring, fabulous read! I've just finished the Eat section....and really enjoyed it, as I can relate to her love of good food! Its one of my greatest pleasures too! (I hope the crohns doesn't mess with this!)

Today, I woke up early (okay...that wasn't one of the high points of the day, I must admit!) and went to see an acupuncturist. I have to admit, it was a bit wierd, and not necessarily pain free (but not painful either). But it put me in a fabulous mood! I had 'needles' in the strangest places: tops of ears, interior wrists, cheeks, fingers, toes, and shins. They were supposed to help with my TMJ from chemo, and stomach/GI issues I've had recently. We'll see how it works (TMJ was better at lunch). I plan to go back next Thursday, after I get my pump off. (This is usually a very hard time for me...so we'll see how it goes!)
I then spent some time shopping, had a yummy lunch with a friend, then came home for a short nap. Overall another good day!

I go back to work tomorrow...so no more 'me time' for a little while...but I'm pretty content with the two days that I've had...as most people don't get this opportunity frequently with the hustle and bustle of our busy lives.

Some pics to leave you with....

My Happy Feet.... :)

Wanna procrastinate?

Just found a new blog that you can check out if you're in the mood to procrastinate. ( http://www.npr.org/blogs/mycancer/) This is a daily blog on npr...and I read that this guy had colon cancer...but haven't read that on his blog anywhere yet. Anyway...a lot of what he had to say really resonated with how I feel... particularly this quote:

"My friends know what I'm going through, and they don't look away. That is a huge gift. It lets me be me. I don't have to worry about appearances when my body is demanding my energy and attention. After all, right now I have an excuse for falling asleep. In a few weeks, that may change. But their understanding of what I'm going through is priceless.
I'm a lucky man."
-- Leroy Sievers

Hope the holiday season is bringing you cheer!

10th Treatment in progress....

To start off....just wanted to let you know that Mother Nature did not disappoint!! Here are some pics my dad took on a walk yesterday...

I really want to go out and play....but my neuropathies are really triggered by cold! For example, cold triggers my hands to be on pins and needles...and then not really work/bend. I do wear gloves for this around the house (to get in refridge, touch cold appliances, etc.) however...its really cold outside...I need to find my thick gloves before I venture out (however, that means going into my cold basement to go through boxes....so we'll see :) ) Also, my nose gets neuropathy too! When I'm outside it feels like somebody shot it up with novacaine, but when I touch it, it's all pins and needles too! Besides that... everything is just much colder to my flesh...it almost burns. However, after all this complaining....it is quite beautiful outside...so I may try to bundle up as much as possible (probably scare a few neighbors) and make it to the end of my road! I just want to enjoy it before the plow trucks make everything turn brown!

Anyway....back to my main purpose...10th treatment. I had a hard time making it to this one...basically because the side effects have been lasting longer, and I don't feel totally recuperated when its time for me to return. For example, my appetite was still very finicky, I still had bouts of nausea, etc. So, I regressed and protested getting out of bed (don't worry it was an internal protest...I didn't regress that much) I did make it out and to treatment right on time. Then when my doc asked how I was doing, my teary answer was "I'm done with this". I do know deep down that I'll keep going, however there are always low points along the way where I just want to quit! Anyway, my routine during chemo days are to go in, get my port accessed with labs drawn at the same time, then meet with the doctor. By the time this is done, my lab work is back, and if everything looks good enough for chemo, then I have to take a anti-nausea pill, then wait an hour for chemo. Well, taking this pill yesterday almost made me throw up. My stomach just seems to be rejecting pills right now. Luckily the massage therapist, Sharon, was there to help me through the stomach lurching, and I made it without throwing up that expensive pill! She then gave me a fabulous, long, back massage which, I believe was the turning point in my day. I think I finally relaxed, after being worked up all morning. I spent the rest of the morning looking for Christmas presents in magazines with my dad, visiting with nurses and staff, and napping. And....Sharon came back to give me a foot massage...which was wonderful because I had worked at 13.5 hour day on my feet on Monday!

When I met with my doctor yesterday, her main advice was to recommend that I take a leave from work for the next month-month and a half. This is because the toxicity from the chemo seems to continue to build in my body (ie. side effects lasting longer, and new side effects...palmer erythema/red palms, vision probs) I'm apprehensive about this for a couple of reasons. One, I don't think my job will allow it, as during hospital orientation, they stated that you had to be employed for 6 months prior to taking a leave...and I'm not there yet. Therefore, I don't know what would work for my insurance. So, I need to look into this. Second, I would go crazy spending all of my good days hanging around..I feel like I do that enough. It's okay if I have something to do...but most people work all day...and I can only Christmas shop so much. Plus, I do like my job, and think that it keeps me sane. So, I suppose I'll speak with my boss, and try to downsize hours again. I do know that 12 hour shifts are becoming too much for me, so that may be one change, and we'll see what else we can work out.

Well, I suppose thats it for now! I do have my last treatment date (can't remember if I shared yet)...But it's DECEMBER 31st!!! Out with the old and in with the new!

And, I'm starting to put into motion and Good Riddance Cancer/Fundraiser party for Feb or March. (I'm open to any good ideas from anyone!!!) I'll let you all know when I have a date!

Thanks for reading/listening! Take care everyone!

Human Again

Okay...I've gotten some slack for taking so long to write! I apologize! Last week was a busy one for me. I worked 32 hours M-W. These days were okay...Its still hard for me to be 100% (or at least 70%) at the beginning of the week, as I'm still very tired and nauseous. Last week, it became a little pattern that I would throw up at the end of each day. I'm not typically nauseous throughout the day...something just will trigger it (ex. brushing my teeth) that will set me off. Anyway....I made it through sucessfully...then laid in bed and read all day on Thursday! It was an okay day...however I became very cranky in the afternoon. As I was analyzing this...I realized my crankiness started when I saw a commercial for Pirates of the Carribean 3 coming to video. This is the movie that I saw on the night that I was diagnosed...and it must of triggered some pent up anger that wasn't released back in May...because I was a crank!

Anyway, I went to bed early and woke up on Friday in a fabulous mood! This is because I knew that had a weekend of fun and being normal ahead of me! I worked an 8 hour shift....(8 hour shifts fly by!) Then I came home and a massage therapist came to my house to give me a massage!!! At first I was a little apprehensive for her to come to my house...however...it was great not having to bundle up and go out in the cold after! Plus I could just get in my pjs and cuddle up for the night.

Then Saturday...my friend, Deanna, and I took at trip to Boston for the night! This was a real special treat for me, as I'm always scheduled to work on my good weekends. When I realized that I had a 'feel good' weekend off...I immediately started scheming a way to get out of town! So, we arrived in Boston Sat. afternoon and caught up with some friends, went out to a delicious dinner, then hit the town for a little while. It was really nice to feel like a 'normal' 29 year old again, and not spend a Sat. night in bed! We then had breakfast with my brother and his girlfriend this morning, and headed home. It was quick....but refreshing! Here are some pics from the 'crazy' night out....

Also....to top all of that off...I arrived home to a clean bed with new flannel sheets...ahhhh! (I'm such a sucker for comfort!)

Anyway...I work a 12 hour day tomorrow...then Tuesday I'm back to chemo...(this is the first time I've been able to mention it without feeling like throwing up or crying...so I guess that means I'm ready again....ugh)

I'll be better at writing this week...and updating you about whats going on medically...

And...Vermonters...think snow!!! (We're supposed to get 10-18 inches tonight!) Gosh...I miss snow days....

ThanksGiving

My family has a tradition that each Thanksgiving before we eat, we go around the table to say what we are thankful for. Usually my brothers and I have a smartass comment to lighten the mood. Today, however, I'm not sure that I will be able to do that...not because I'm not thankful, rather the opposite. When I think about how thankful I am, it is an automatic tearjerker...and I don't want to cry at the thanksgiving table!

So, here's a small list of what I am giving thanks for this year:

*My family~of course. When I was diagnosed, I thought that I could do this by myself...I was still debating moving across the country. How wrong I was! There's no way I could make it through this without their support and them literally taking care of me and waiting on me hand and foot. I have dinner waiting for me after 12 hour shifts of work...(which is probably the only reason that I eat at those times, because I'm so tired!) and I haven't really looked at my bills, as they stress me out so much, my dad is taking care of them for the time being....need I say more! They're the best!

*My original doctor who took me seriously, fit my appointment into a tight schedule (I was moving), and comforted me by using humor and kindness when I was diagnosed,

*My friends who showed up at my door 5 minutes after I told them the news. They swept me away and helped me to plan my next few days. (I was due to move the next day and was sitting in an empty apartment)

*My friends who gathered the next day to bring me to my CT scan, help finish cleaning my apartment, and moved the rest of my stuff into their houses until we had a better plan, and then brought me to the airport so I could be home with my family.

*My friends who let my mom and I stay in their apartment while going to many doctors appointments at Hopkins, and who were most hospitable!

*The insurance coordinator at JHU who worked with me for months, and was my go-to girl when I couldn't get an appointment or had any sort of questions...she always figured it out for me..with a positive attitude...an was a huge support when I coulnd't think!

*All of my visitors after my surgery at Hopkins. I think there were about 30 of you who made my stay almost fun (with the help of the PCA!) I met a ton of great people at school and through working at Hopkins, and am just so grateful! (ps...I missed the ball on the thank you cards to all of you...I started, then realized too many addresses were changing at the time!...but please know that I THANK YOU).

*My old apartment manager, who gave us a deal on renting apartments for my family and me following surgery, and during my recovery period.

*My friends at home, who immediately took me back in and helped to ease the transition back home. I am grateful for all of the weekly dinners over the summer and for all of the wonderful and understanding listening ears you've provided.

*Ok...I haven't been using names..but this is my one exception. My friend Deanna, who has been right by my side through this all. She and her husband started off by selling bracelets as a fundraiser for me, and she's been incredibly supportive ever since. She is always checking in and accompanying me on small adventures. She is very intuitive to know when enough is enough for me...and makes it okay. She's just great!

*My job...when I moved home and needed insurance...I thought...'who would hire me?'...so I applied on an oncology floor, as I figured they would be the most likely to understand... and I was right! My preceptors are fabulous, and are constantly checking in with me to see how I'm doing. My managers are the same. They have made it so I only schedule myself for 2 weeks at a time, as my chemo schedule sometimes changes, or my healing process is delayed. And, I found out this weekend that my manager emailed my coworkers, asking them to donate any extra time off to me. How kind is that?

*My job...again..as it gives me another focus. It's much easier for me to worry about other people than it is to worry about myself!

*All of my friends that have made trips up or over to visit me! Its always good to see old friends, but sometimes its hard to find a time to do so...so I really appreciate that you were able to do so. Plus, its also a good distraction.

*On that note, all of my friends who have tried to come and visit, who I've denied due to being too sick. Thank you for understanding that I want to show you VT when I feel good enough to get out of bed!

*My oncology nurses and doctors who are taking good care of me! I always feel bad because I have this terrible connection in my mind with the oncology clinic, however the people there are wonderful! My nurses frequently go out of their way to find me answers and make me comfortable. One of my nurses even gave me a card for being 3/4 done the other day!

*My support group and therapist...who give me a great perspective and ongoing, nonjudgemental support.

*My friends far and near...who give me and my family continual support through calls, emails, snail mail, texts, blog messages etc. I usually get a card every day, some from people that I don't know....and it really makes all the difference. It's really the small showings of support that mean the world and make this crap bearable!!

*And finally my extended family who have pulled together to show their support in many ways (through visits with long talks and massages, cards, prayers, calls, emails, thoughtful gifts, and giving me something to look forward to in my down times -cruise planning-)

Now...I know that there are many more things that need to be added to my list...but it's almost time to eat! So, please know that I am grateful to you all for reading my blog!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Date Day

Howdy!
Things here are looking up. In fact, today I put on real clothes (rather than sweats or scrubs) and took myself out on a date! I went to the movies by myself...and it was kinda fun! When I was younger, I always felt bad for people who were at the movies by themself (and people eating in the lunchroom by themselves)...but it was liberating and I'll definitely do it again! I mean how much talking goes on in the theater anyway?! I splurged on popcorn and a soda (we'll see later how the popcorn likes the ol' colon)... and watched Gone Baby Gone! I highly recommend it if you like a good mystery and a HUGE ethical dilemma (Beware...its a Boston movie...so there are a ton of F-bombs dropped).

That's really all I have to share at the moment...just wanted to recommend a good movie, because there are so many bad ones out there!

Warm thoughts to you!

How I spent my week...

So...I spent the entire week in bed. Let me tell you...it's depressing and lonely (I mean Molly is some company...but I'm finding out she's really a selfish cuddler...she conveniently places herself where she wants to be pet). This nastiness is usually the part that I don't share...as I don't usually talk to or see most people when I'm feeling this way. But....today, I guess I'm feeling like sharing...so here's a most beautiful picture from last evening. (I did debate whether to show myself looking like such crap...but my mom assured me that I actually looked good compared to the previous 3 days.) Anyway...the good thing is...I do get to a point where I feel better.... then I partake in a little shopping therapy...and all is well again!

Bored and Lazy

Hi all! I'm bored! This is the first day of the week that I haven't had to be at the hospital for some reason or another (none of those being work)... and I'm not sure what to do with myself. Not that this is a huge dilemma, because if I tried to do anything...I'd just get tired and need a nap...but needless to say I feel like I'm wasting time and could be doing something productive!
(I did just get off the phone with my insurance company...as they enjoyed informing me that acupuncture is not covered in my plan...bummer..so I suppose that was productive, as its a question that I've had for weeks.) Anyway, I'm now laying in bed, procrastinating getting up, even though I've been awake for hours. This is partially because I'm scared of any smells that I might encounter throughout my house (I'm currently not nauseous in my room). This is also partially because I know what's waiting for me downstairs....pills and a shot! My avoidance skills are great...until the guilt kicks in....

My 8th treatment is now done. Starting the count-down. Which makes me wonder what my life will be like when this is all over. It's pretty much been my sole focus for 6 months now...what will I be without it? Don't get me wrong... I'm starting to think up a 'Good Riddance' party...it's just that I need this craziness to have some purpose in my life, in order for it to make any sense to me.

But thats all getting ahead of myself...as I have 4 more full treatments left...and the continual side-effects from this last one.

This treatment has been okay. It continues to get more difficult for me to walk into the clinic...we've had to get rather creative to try to trick me. The person who drives and accompanies me to an appointment now drops me off at the front door...so I don't have to deal with parking garage odors. I also have used candles, car air freshners, and other smellies to help with clinic smells. Hospital tape is one of the worst smells for me, so we've started using tegaderm dressings over my port, rather than the tape that comes in the pre-packaged kit. Really...just doing anything that will help in the moment!

Anyway...besides all of this...the treatment has been pretty much the same. I went to my second support group this week...which I'm still happy with my decision to join it. I also continue to be in love with my psychologist, who I try to see once a week. I'm also trying to start incorporating yoga in at least weekly. I'm still going to look into acupuncture...as I've heard great things from other survivors. These are my plans for gaining a little control over my mental/physical health.

So....I thought I'd leave you with a list of medications that I received on Tuesday(random, I know). I was thinking about it the other night when I was falling asleep...and I put a lot of foreign products into my body that day! This is a change for me...as I used to protest taking one pill for a headache. And...this is the minimum of what I had to take....I don't usually take extras..or prns...

Infusions:
Oxaliplatin (chemo)
5 fu (chemo)
leukovorin (part of chemo regimen)
magnesium (to help prevent peripheral neuropathies...not working)
calcium (same as mag)
dexamethasone (steroid..premed for chemo..helps with nausea)
aloxi (nausea med)

Injections:
Innohep SC (for clot)
Lupron IM (for menopause)

Pills:
Emend (nausea)
Asacol (12! for colitis...inflammation in colon)
Ativan (to chill me out..and nausea)

Okay...that's enough procrastination for now...(pills...here I come). Again, thank you to everyone for all of your support! I just feel like I can't say that enough!

Colonoscopy and Halloween Goofiness

Today I had my second colonoscopy in 6 months. I also had an upper GI. So basically, I had scopes (cameras) check out my entire GI tract. Fortunately, my upper GI (esophagus and stomach) looked good and normal! My colon, however, still looks messy. In fact, I have colitis (inflammation) throughout my entire colon (large intestines). This is more inflammation than I have had in the past. They took many biopsies...so we'll see what they show in a couple of days. Most likely this is the crohns that I've been in denial about. The terrible news is that he gave me medicine to take every day (I think I've complained about pills in past blogs)...Anyway..I don't have to take one or two a day....rather 12 a day!!! UGH! I do find the name of the med amusing though...asacol...perfect name for a colon drug.

On a brighter note.... I went to a fun halloween party on Saturday night... so I thought that I'd share some pics...
Not sure I'd let her get near me!
Yea Sox!

I go back for treatment #8 tomorrow... not how I'd like to spend my day/week... but ready to get another treatment behind me!

Inspiration

Hello!
I have some crazy friends who like to wake up in the middle of the night to go hiking. Here is one of their recent pictures of a sunrise hike up camel's hump....

Anyway...after I saw this pic....this has become my goal! When I'm done...I want to see this view! This is what I visualize when I'm feeling nauseous these days. Unfortunately, when I'm done treatment, I may need ice climbing gear! However, come spring mud...I'm there!

Early morning thoughts

It's currently 4:15 am, and I've been awake for 45 minutes now! I'm actually okay with it, as my mind and my body feel pretty good at the moment. This no sleeping thing is a turn I usually take after 5 or 6 days, and I see it as my body saying..."okay you've been sleeping enough...time to wake up and get back to life". Usually, though, this happens right as I'm starting to go back to work..so it pisses me off...as I just watch the minutes until my alarm goes off at 5:10 getting more and more anxious about staying awake and alert through the day! Anyway...I don't have to work until Tuesday...so I'm feeling pretty good right now!

Yesterday was a pretty okay day. I woke up feeling great and excited, as I had plans and things on the agenda that I wanted to do, and I felt good! So, after being awake for an hour or two, I took a shower to get ready to go to a craft show. Unfortunately, the shower wore me out! I was completely out of breath and just exhausted! (I think this had to do partially with my anemia...don't worry, I'll get a shot soon for that too) Of course this pissed me off...and I was tired and crabby for the morning...then had to skip my afternoon plans to lay on the couch. However, I did watch the travel chanel for 4 straight hours...so if anyone has plans to go to the beach in Florida, Mexico, the Carribean...or perhaps buy a private island...I'm the girl you need to talk to! I then went to a friend's house for the evening to watch Crazy, Sexy Cancer, which she had Tivo'd for me. It was inspirational...and it felt good to be out of the house...so the day ended well!

That's really all I have right now...just thought I'd share to pass the time...
Hope you enjoy your Sunday!

7th...done

Hi all! I don't have much to say this time, and unfortunately still no pictures to add. But..I thought that I'd let you know that my 7th treatment is done and out of the way. This one has been pretty smooth...just lots and lots of sleeping! Yesterday I went for a ride with my dad and dog to the resevoir...and fell asleep before we even got there...then proceeded to sleep in the car while they walked and swam! For those of you who know me well...you know that I would much rather sleep outside...(fresh air..particularly when I'm nauseated)...so I had brought the appropriate equipment to do so (blankets, pillows, etc) However, I couldn't even make it out of the darn car! I've pretty much been sleeping since...but I'm starting to come around!

The nausea this time has been okay. I trying really hard not to think about it and deep breathing when I do....it actually seems to be working! The only time it didn't work was getting my pump off yesterday...the smells in the clinic just push me over the edge! I pretty much ran out of there and had my dad pick me up at the front entrance where there was fresh air (as opposed to that stinky parking garage air)...but I made it! (Tuesday wasn't so successful...as I threw up while getting treatment...caught a taste of the 5-fu push...I can really taste everything through my port...its so gross)

Okay...changing the subject....I went to a young survivors support group on Wed evening...and I actually enjoyed myself. Again, I was hesitant to go...but the people were very cool and welcoming. There were only 5 of us there, all with different types of cancer...and 3 were in remission! It was really great to talk with people who have had similar experiences...very refreshing! Its funny, I've always thought that I would be the person who would sit back and listen in that type of environment, but I couldn't stop talking! Almost everything that people brought up, I could relate to, and wanted to share! So...I'll definitely go back!

Final new thing...these peripheral neuropathies are getting to me. Basically my fingers feel like they're on pins and needles, and I sometimes have trouble bending them at the joints. I haven't figured out what triggers them yet (might be cold?)...but I'm on the case. Next treatment, they will give me some calcium and magnesium IV which will hopefully help! As...who wants a nurse who is dropping crap because she can't feel her fingers?!

That's all for now! Please let me know if you have any questions or topics for me to write about...as I'm running out of ideas..and am very open to suggestions!
Take care!

Better...

So...it turns out I wasn't playing hooky...I really was sick! I had some seriously gross GI issues this week (lets just say I had to run to the bathroom a lot and quickly decide whether to sit or kneel...hehe..so gross! Sorry...I'm feeling crude!) and had to leave work early on Tues and call in sick again on Wednesday. However, since Wednesday night (after my Big Mac...why is it that you always crave grease after you're sick?) I've been on the mend! I've spoken with doctors, and its hard to determine whether this was from the chemo, the crohns, or just a bug? I'm going to go with bug (because I'm in denial about crohns, and I don't want this to happen again with chemo!) Anyway...I feel much better now...
Its nice to be back!

I also met with a psychologist today. I have to say, I'm sorry that I put it off so long! All the books say to find someone right away...but I guess I didn't think that I needed it. I was wrong! She was great, and also a cancer survivor, and I just really valued her perspective and opinion. We spent some time discussing techniques to use regarding my anticipatory nausea...and its funny, but it all seemed like common sense. Breathing techniques, relaxation, meditation, visualization, aromatherapy, monitoring my pulse and consciously bringing it down, etc. All things that are kind of pushed aside in modern medicine while searching for a pill to provide a quick fix. These are all things that I've tried in the moments that I don't feel good...but she reminded me that, like all things, you need to practice, practice, practice for it to work! Its also funny that I just needed someone to tell me to do it. Now that I've been told (by someone who has had success with these techniques in the past)... I'll do it! (hum....maybe she can analyze that next week?!)

So...that's all that's new on this front! I'm working 3 12-hour shifts in the next 3 days...so I will be in my own working world until I go back to chemo next Tuesday. Haven't really been there in 2 weeks, so it will be good to be back!

I hope everyone is able to enjoy their weekends! Take care!

ps...sorry no pics this time...camera hasn't been out!

Sick Day...

I called in sick today. Though I had legit reasons (nausea, diarrhea, generalized fatigue, and zero sleep last night)... I probably could have worked through those. Rather, I really needed a 'me' day (or, I suppose, the current correct term is a 'mental health day').

This last treatment was a hard one, in many ways. I had expected to be happy and relieved to hit my 1/2 way point (I've always felt that the second half of things is easier and have had that 'its all downhill' mentality). However, I currently do not feel this way. In fact, I feel the complete opposite ('How am I going to make it through 6 more!')

I suppose this was also a difficult week because I let new feelings officially enter (warning: therapeutic purge about to happen!) For the first time, I felt sorry for myself and scared. These are emotions that I've let skirt around the sidelines for awhile, but once they entered, they became sort of all consuming. They made it easy for me to spend three full days curled in the fetal position in bed, with my sole focus being on how lousy I felt.

This brings me to the topic of attitude. There are some theorists that say that attitude has everything to do with a cancer prognosis. Part of me wants to say that's BS, theorized by someone who has never had to deal with the day to day struggles of cancer! From my experience in nursing, I've witnessed people with great attitudes who have passed away at terrible times in their lives. On the other hand, there is definitely a part of me who believes that attitude plays a part in the healing process. I mainly think this because attitude is the only thing that we (we being those who are sick) can control. When your own body is out of your control...you have to at least control your mind! And, trust me, this is a hard thing to do, especially when you don't feel good! So...I'm taking today for a little attitude adjustment. I'm going to get some fresh air (my instant feel better trigger) and get my life back in order! (this includes returning many phone calls!!! sorry!)

Okay...now that I've purged a little, maybe I'll be able to get some sleep tonight!

On a positive note...there were some high points to my weekend!
First, is my great friend Deanna. She brought me to get my pump off on Thursday, and had to wait with me two extra hours while I got extra fluids. She had the 'fun' task of trying to distract me for those hours so I wouldn't throw up...it was a success!
Second, I was able to spend a couple of hours on Saturday with one of my oldest friends, as she was 'home' for the weekend (though she acted more like a tourist!) She waited on me and dealt with my crankiness and feeling gross (thanks Kris!)
Third, it was a weekend of good quality family time, as my brother was home from Boston. We went to my other brother's last home soccer game (where I got an Essex Alumni pin because it was homecoming weekend....all you ex-hornets are jealous, I know!) and we went out to a great dinner!
Finally, I received the most beautiful, thoughtful gift in the mail that I must share it with you! My mom's cousin's wife made me the most gorgeous quilt....I'm in love with it! I'm having the internal struggle whether to bring it with me everywhere (like Linus), or keep it protected from dirt and possible stains by keeping it on my bed, away from dirty hands! Ahhh...the decisions! Thank you Karen!

my comfy view...

Isn't it pretty!

Well, That's all I've got for now! I'm off to take a walk!

Take care everyone!

29th Birthday...in the chair

Yesterday I turned 29! Unfortunately, I spent most of the day 'in the chair' at chemo. (no...not the massage chair) . I was, however, able to celebrate by going to breakfast with my mom and neighbor prior to treatment. And... the nurses surprised me with an American Flatbread! (I had been talking about how much I love them during the previous treatment). And... my friend surprised me with a visit which made the treatment go by a little faster! Those were the highs of my day!

Unfortunately, though, the side effects seemed to come into effect much quicker this time around. I've felt pretty lousy since I got home yesterday... so I've spent most of my time in bed or on the couch. I have watched some funny movies though! (Knocked Up was great!)

A new side effect I've noticed is the peripheral neuropathies (my fingers tingle intermittently when I try to use them...feels like pins and needles) I've also realized that the smell of the dressing tape over my port makes me nauseous...so I try not to smell it (its just so damn close to my nose! Arg!) I did speek with a psychologist yesterday who I am going to start meeting with to work on my anticipatory nausea. She spoke of starting some biofeedback and visualization therapy. I'll let you know how it goes!

Here's a pic of my massage and flatbread...yum!

I was able to enjoy and celebrate my birthday early, as I went to the best restaurant with a group of girlfriends on Sat. night! If you are ever near Vergennes, VT you must try the Black Sheep Bistro! I'm still craving the pumpkin curry bisque...and I don't even have an appetite right now! We celebrated the right way with good companty, food, dessert, and a champagne toast! Thanks friends! I had a great time!

Autumn in VT

Hi everyone!
Just wanted to share some pics of how I spent my day, as it was another beautiful fall day here! (it makes it very hard to get sleep...as I want to be out and about!)
I go back in for treatment on Tuesday...my 1/2 way point...yahoo! I'll write more then....
For now, enjoy the scenery!

A deer? made of corn at this little organic farm





Applefest!

Sam takes his mom for a boat ride....

The highlight of my day.... the apple cider donut that I was craving...thanks to Deanna's brother-in-law! Those donuts were hard to come by!

Hope you all enjoyed your day as much as I did!

Highs and Lows

The past week has been full of highs and lows. After doing pretty well with my last treatment on Tuesday and Wednesday, I hit a low point on Thursday. I felt very sick when I went in to have my port de-accessed. I think I was overly tired and emotional, as whenever a nurse would look at me or try to be nice, I would start to cry. (don't feel bad...I've always been like this when I'm overly tired!) I also was VERY nauseous...the nurses shared a new term, 'anticipatory nausea' and gave me an ativan. This is a great drug used for anxiety, nausea, and sleep...so it was very useful to me! My blood pressure was also pretty low (which I guess can also make you more nauseated)...so I stayed for a bit while they gave me some fluids. The ativan kicked in, and I came home and pretty much slept for 16 hours straight!

Things improved after that.... I learned that my max time out and about is approximately 1-2 hours, and then I need a rest. So, I made the most of those 1-2 hours! I went on walks with friends, I went to part of a lecture on holistic health for cancer patients (learned that beta carotene inhibits the action of 5-FU...and that vitamin B-6 is good for peripheral neuropathy...too bad they're the size of golf balls so I won't go near them). I also was able to enjoy autumn in VT (my favorite season by far!) by going to a harvest market (really to eat the fried dough and other goodies), and going apple picking with some friends. So overall...I'd say it was a pretty good weekend! Here are some pics...

My friend Tracy enjoys the yummy fried treats at the harvest market...

Apple Pickin' Fun...

Oh...and I almost forgot! I found my new hero...Kris Carr.. She wrote this great book called Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips! I've spent many hours during this last week reading it as she is very gifted at expressing herself! I highly recommend it if you are at all interested in what its like to receive a cancer diagnosis at a fairly young age, and how to help people cope. She also has a documentary that was on TLC a few weeks ago...I missed it, but am hoping to see it soon! As you can see....I got cozy on the porch and spent many hours on Saturday reading and enjoying the crisp autumn air!
Take care everyone!

The Mysterious Port...

I have received many questions about my port. It's much easier to explain how it works with pictures....so if you get grossed out by needles and blood...Look NO further!

Here is my beautiful port, unaccessed...

It's really not so pretty...I had some problems with the incision healing...turns out there was a stitch that wouldn't dissolve that was causing all the trouble...so now its healed, but still not so pretty...

Prior to going to chemo and getting accessed, I put Emla cream on. This numbs the area so it won't hurt when the needle goes in...Its wonderful stuff...

Here is the needle they stick into the port...

And all the equipment they need to do it...

Here I am, accessed. Once the needle is in, they can draw blood out, and put medicine in. This is why the port is handy....only one stick. I'm looking away because I'm not allowed to breathe on it before a dressing is placed, this keeps germs away!

Fully accessed with the dressing on...

Just chillin', reading my lab results, (ANC=6.6!!! Neulasta worked!) trying not to notice my aunt taking pictures of me...
Hooked up to my pre-meds... (anti-nausea meds)...and chatting on the phone..

Here's my pump that I carry with me for 46 hours, ugh!
Putting my pump into my fanny...
Thats all! And to finish up...here's a pic of my cancer...Hard to see, but it penetrates the whole bowel wall.
So far, the fifth treatment is going well! It helps to have my aunt here distracting me! We shopped a little yesterday (love shopping therapy!), and today we took a long drive and enjoyed the beautiful autumn scenery! Vermont is starting to become even more beautiful! We stopped for a yummy apple cider donut, and window shopped at some craft stores in Stowe! Overall, good day out, which was topped off with a great long nap!

So long everyone....and thanks for reading!